I had a disagreement with someone last week. I was amazed at how quickly my buttons were pushed. All of these old, familiar emotions came rushing to the forefront. How far back do these emotions come from, I wondered? Why was I affected by his judgment of me? Instead of letting it roll off, my instinct was to defend and retaliate. That is not the person I am choosing to be.
A vision came to my mind. I saw myself standing on a hill facing my opponent. We were both dressed in Gladiator or Roman soldier attire. We were only about an arm's length from each other, almost toe to toe. Behind us were battalions of men. These men were willing to fight to the death to defend our position. My soldiers ranged in age, in size, in color and weight. As I looked behind me, at them, I realized who they were. These men were my old beliefs, ready to take offense at the slightest gesture.
Each of these beliefs came from my past. Some were from my childhood, some from my days at college, some from past relationships, and some from a particularly difficult work experience. They stood there encouraging me to fight, letting me know that they would be right beside me, willing to defend me and relish the fight.
I do not wish to match wits, to prove my valor, to be right. I know who I am. I looked once again into the eyes of my foe. In my heart, I did not wish to harm him. He had his own set of beliefs pushing him forward. I laid down my sword; I removed my helmet and shed my armor. I turned away and walked away from the hill as my soldiers faded into the air. I had no use for them now.
Is it our ego that pushes our buttons and thrusts us into conflict? I know that our soul seeks union and harmony. I am going to be on the watch for these soldiers who rise up to defend me and yet separate me from others. I do not wish them in my camp anymore. I have seen who they really are.
