Twenty two pounds of paint

Twenty two pounds of paint. The post man said I got my money’s worth shipping all that from New York in a large, flat rate box. There must be over a hundred tubes of oil paints that were mine and my father’s and Jim’s grandmother’s. Alizaron crimson, raw umber, thalo blue and green. I open the box and the scent transports me back in time. Linseed oil, wet canvas, tea at Joan’s. Grumbling up in the spare room as I completed yet another still life for class. Lemons, tomatoes, pitchers, bowl and crocks – all destined to a lifetime under a bed because I cant bear to throw out all that effort, but I don’t want anyone else to see.


That was 20 years ago. The girls were little. Time was short. I would paint when they were asleep. Time stood still. Lost in a palette of colors, blending, shading, thinning, stroking. When I walked in nature, I would think color combinations. My father and I would talk colors over the phone and painting techniques we had just attempted.

How would I replicate that cloud formation? Did you realize how much purple rocks have in their shadow? Reflections in the water were so much easier when you turned the canvas upside down. “Don’t keep picking at your painting. You’re done.” Years of practice were spent before the day we were allowed outside to paint a landscape. Glorious day. The whole class came to my farm. Easels set up at the barn, easels facing the front porch and easels at the pond. The scent of paints and oil mixing with manure and fresh cut grass. What an unforgettable day. The lambs and goats walked among the painters to everyone’s delight. I tried to keep the dog from knocking over the brush cans. I still have the photos as a souvenier.

Here are the paints, handed down for generations. Still waiting for the artist to make her magic. What will they become? A mountain? A lake? A field of wildflowers? If they were still with my father they would become some wild animal in a battle for its life. We used to joke him that he could not paint a scene without some animal at least peeking out like Where’s Waldo? Most often the animal was in mortal combat. My paintings were so opposite. They were tranquil and calm. It was as if I could step out of my role of being a mom, a business owner, a farmer and a wife, onto this canvas and escape into the serenity. My sister paints in crayola colors, whimsical characters and disproportioned buildings. Her paintings make me smile. They are lively and fun and break all the rules.

Where will I begin? Will I remember my training? Have I forgotten all the steps? Could I just let myself pick up a brush and stroke with abandon? Can I just play and let my heart lead me? What good were those paints doing in the basement?

All of these emotions around twenty two pounds of paint. That is a lot of magic waiting to happen. Stay tuned!

In Love

We say we want to be in love. What is it exactly? I think of it as that giddy, effervescent emotion- where you can’t concentrate; the weather seems perfect no matter how bitter; the music is all sing-alongs on the radio; you can’t wait for the phone to ring. When you look in the mirror, you say, “Damn, I’m smokin’ today!” You can listen to a bad review from your boss and it just rolls off. Life is all good. Nothing can ruin your mood.

We love the feeling of being in love, because we feel good about ourselves. Someone is attracted to us. Someone expresses affection and desire towards us. Someone is validating our existence. Everything we say is novel and unique. It stands our world on end. The feelings are intoxicating.

It is just a matter of time until this euphoria lessens. We’ve heard the stories; we’ve learned the other person’s habits; we go back to work and our routines. It does not mean we love the person less, it just means the buzz fades.

Since this is just a head game and it is all in our minds, I thought I’d play a game with it. If we have someone we love, that’s great. If we don’t, we can still play. Imagine the emotions you feel when you are in love. Just close your eyes and remember the feelings. Think back to the adrenaline rush; recall the anticipation. This is not about the person. This is about your own emotions. You choose your emotions and reactions all the time. Got it? Now walk outside with those in love vibes rushing through you. Don’t worry, no one will see them. Watch what happens. The sky is bluer. The birds sing sweeter. You feel lucky. You begin to exude happiness. If you see someone on the sidewalk, you smile. They smile back. The whole world seems brighter.

We can have this in love feeling any time. We can have it whenever we choose. Let it wash over you. Hold it for as long as you can. With practice, you can hang on to it all day. Go to sleep with it; eat with it. It is glorious and it never lessens because it is not dependent on what someone else says or does.

You are creating a vortex. Anyone that meets you now will be attracted. You are loving, enthusiastic and optimistic. You are fun and exciting; all because you started feeling in love. Try it! What do you have to lose?

The First Date

Big Arm

The search for a partner can be so complicated; blind dates, set ups by friends, on-line match making, chance encounters at parties. Those of us that are single, crave the companionship of a lover, the knowledge that someone waits for us at the end of the day, the opportunity to fuss over someone, the prospect of being all that we can be and being loved for it. We put ourselves out there, emotionally and physically, in order to create the possibility of meeting that special someone. We keep busy; we go to work; we spend time with our hobbies; we talk to family and we build a beautiful life. All the while, waiting. And what happens when we meet someone that just might be compatible?


The heart beats faster when you see him smile than it did from the trepidation you were experiencing when you walked through the door. Could it be occurring? The conversation rolls with intermittent laughter and ease. This is actually enjoyable. You forget about your clothes and your hair and all the minutia that was on your mind as you searched for a parking spot. The cotton mouth dissolves and nerves settle. This is not so bad after all. You breathe a silent sigh of relief.

After a delightful afternoon or evening, that is when it gets tricky. Will he call me again? Did I talk too much? Did I talk too little? All of the self judgments cascade onto this magical moment. Well, what about him? Were there any red flags? He said his ex didn’t trust him.  His ex believed in paranormal pheomena.  She had a horse like mine that was a pain in the butt. Is this a flag for him? Oh my gosh. All of our pasts come rushing in. By the time you are in your 50’s you have acquired some baggage. Is it a carry on or a truck load?

I read once where you should dream of falling in love with an amnesiac. A person that has no history, no memory of painful arguments or betrayal. How amazing would it be to have the innocence of a child? To delight in another person without concern for the outcome. To be able to speak your mind confidently without remembering how another trounced on your opinions. This is what we must choose with every part of our being. If we are not able to stay in the moment, to be present with this new person without the past flooding in, there will be no opportunity for a future. We cant hold back who we are in fear that we may trigger another’s past. On the same hand, we must not jump to conclusions when this person speaks to us in a way that we have heard before.

I do not want to be tried and found guilty of another person’s transgressions. Neither does the person you are learning about. Just because a person’s ex used to spend all their money, does not mean I am that way. If they like to fish, it does not mean that they will be away every weekend.

If you truly want to bring into your life all that you can imagine a companion can be, let them teach you about who they are. Don’t jump ahead and make an assumption based on your history. Be courageous. Allow yourself to be open and straightforward with what makes you tick. You have nothing to lose. If your heart has been beaten and abused, take time to heal it before venturing out with someone new. Do them a favor and yourself by healing and mending first. Go forward with a strong, confident heart and know you will always be ok. Meet potential mates with a pure spirit, untainted and serene. Your partner is your mirror, be sure you want to see what is reflected back to you.

Home

I returned home from celebrating the holidays on the east coast to find this delightful snowman welcoming me back to my little cabin. He puts a smile on my face each night when I return and see him standing stoically in the headlights. I read the sign and tumble the word home over in my mind.

I go back to a challenging time in my past when my husband and I first separated. I was in a little two room apartment, going back to college after 25 years. A sleeping bag served as the sofa and my modest groceries were stacked in cardboard boxes. My mother had helped me buy a double bed that barely fit in the room. My girls were teenagers and I was with them on weekends. One day my youngest said something that I will never forget, “Mom, you could put a stump in a hayfield and it would feel like home, because you are there.” Home is a place where you feel loved and comforted. It doesn’t matter how grand or how Spartan. Home is where you can be yourself and find peace. Home is your sanctuary.

I have been searching for a house to purchase in Montana for the past 4 years. I am looking for a place to set down roots and make a home. Then I wonder what I am truly looking for? To each of us a house may represent different things. I see it as a place for family, entertaining friends, holidays. It is a reflection of status, worthiness and security.

Is any of this true? In this recession, thousands of people have found that their house is an albatross around the neck, which is weighing them down and tying them to a place. Instead of security, it is creating financial doom. It is no longer a safe investment to be taken for granted. Do people really think less of me because I rent? Do I imagine that my siblings, my children and their families are really going to travel to Montana for the holidays?

I look around my cabin as I write on another cloudy, Sunday morning. The snow is gently falling and I see my snowman smiling at me from across the drive. The cats and dog are curled up near the wood stove. My Christmas tree is on her last day. The scent of pumpkin spice candles burning and coffee brewing, fill the air. My beloved paintings, photographs and cookbooks surround me.

I cannot say that I felt more at home at my mother’s or my sister’s. There is no family homestead to congregate. I am at home in my heart with my family because they love me. It is not the house or the decorations. I always wanted to provide a place to return for my daughters, a place filled with memories and love. This has not occurred. Not in the way I had planned. We come together and make wherever we meet, home.

I am at peace here and find comfort in these cabin walls. I will be here as long as it serves me on my path. My freedom is that I can move to another place in 30 days. This is my home for now. Home is a place I will take with me; I will create and share. My home is not in the east, in a house, it truly is wherever I go.

Dating profiles

I took a leap of faith and joined an on-line dating service for three months. Twenty four matches a day is quite a lot of reading material. Admittedly, I was never able to keep up and read them all. In the first month, I thought it was amusing to look at all the profiles and pick out the misspellings, the lack of grammar, the ridiculous photographs and the hilarious code names. I was and am considering starting up a business to help men create a compelling story for their site.


The second month, I stopped finding humor in the profiles and began seeing something underneath the verbiage. I had also conversed with a few people by email. Now I am a couple weeks away from the end of my membership and have a gained a profound awareness. It goes way beyond the spiritual phrase, “We are all One.”

I feel the longing and loneliness in the profiles. I can sense the separateness and distance we feel from each other. We, as humans, share the same desires. Each one of us wants to find a person to acknowledge us, to validate our emotions, to support our decisions and to respect our uniqueness. We yearn for physical touch, the intimacy of holding hands, snuggling in bed and sexual fulfillment. Each of us wishes for a warm welcome when we return home. We fill our lives with hobbies and pets, work and social gatherings. We do these things, while holding onto the dream that someone special is out there for us.

What are we doing to make that person welcome in our life? What if we really met that individual today? We know, or think we know, what we are looking for. Are we actually able to be all that for another person? We want someone who will support us if we are sick, or lose our job, or have a family crisis – someone we can trust and depend on. Are we that person? We want someone who is loyal and honest. Do we walk our truth? We are looking for someone who tends to our sexual needs and requests. Are we willing to do that for our lover? We want someone to smile and kiss us when we walk in the door. Will we do that? We are searching for someone that will appreciate all our quirkiness, the unusual ways we have of expressing ourselves and our different habits. Are we able to stop judging our partner and give that in return?

Understanding that we have the same underlying needs may help us look at another person with new vision. Have you taken the time to learn how to give what another needs and not what makes you happy? Have you taken the time to acknowledge that your partner is not going to complete you but will expand you? Are you willing to stretch yourself out of your comfort zone?

Relationships are about experiencing who we really are. We can tell ourselves certain things and write them on our profile – for example – I am generous; I am trustworthy; I am romantic. Would our last partner say that? Were we loyal and honest? No saying, “Well, I would have been except…or I was honest until… it got too difficult.” We are only lying to ourselves here. Relationships give us the opportunity to be all that we can be. They are like a meter to measurement of our lives. Am I really generous or only if I get something in exchange? Am I able to love unconditionally or do I love only if the person matches my expectations?

After all this examination of on-line dating and profiles, the one thing I realize is that we actually all want the same things. We may word it differently or express it differently but it is fundamentally the same. Be kind, be open, be all that you wish to receive. You may be fortunate to have a partner in your life right now. If you are disgruntled, look within. What kind of companion are you? Would you want to be with you? Simply be all that you long for. Love without judgment or expectation. Tis the season for joy and goodwill towards all men. Love yourself and your partner the way that God loves you, without limits or conditions.

12-12-12

12-12-12

Today is such an auspicious day, that I am simply reveling in the energy. Instead of being perturbed by one more cloudy day, I saw the mystical magic in the scenery that surrounds my cabin. It was as if I had disappeared into Avalon. There is a new world emerging through the fog, a new place of love and peace. I am taking my place, with all my fellow earth beings, in raising my vibration and entering fully into the Oneness. Come take my hand, brother.  Shambala is just beyond the veil.

My Mirror

I picked up a book to take with me on my trip to Portland. I grabbed it from the health food store on the way to the airport. Thank goodness because my flight was cancelled, then rescheduled, rerouted and then down for mechanical problems in a city I wasnt even supposed to fly through. Anyway, I had 6 hours to read. The book is Your Dog is Your Mirror. I chose it from the photo on the cover - dont laugh, wait till you see it.


The writer and his father have been dog trainers for over 50 years. Kevin Behan believes that we are connected to our dog through our hearts. He states that your dog can help you see your unresolved emotional issues and help the owner reconnect with buried feelings. I had to laugh when he wrote about watching your dog react to different people. If your dog is thrilled to see someone when they arrive but you are busy or thinking of something else, the dog is acting out your happiness. If you dig deep, you are really happy that person appeared. Sometimes our head gets in the way of our heart, but our dog knows.

I haven’t finished the book, but I tell you it is an interesting theory. He is not giving dogs human emotions, only reporting that dogs pick up and act on their owner's feelings.

For me, I am thrilled. If my dog is a reflection of what is in my heart, then I am golden. Aries is loyal and courageous; she would die for me. She loves everyone and every other animal she meets. She is gentle with kittens, respects horses, curious about guinea pigs and allows babies to take anything out of her mouth. Aries listens and obeys my every word and thought. She doesn’t hold grudges and is kind to every person she meets. This dog has one thing on her mind, “Let’s have fun.”

I can only aspire to be all that Aries is in the world.