Books

My eldest was packing to return to the east coast when she groaned, “Crap, I finished my book and I don’t have another one.” I said she could borrow one of mine and she said, “thanks, mom, but I am fine just the way I am.” She had been staying in my room and the bookcase is filled with spiritual and self-help books. I did find a novel for her to borrow but it really made me think about my reading habits. How long can you spend trying to learn about how to be a better person, partner, parent or leader? Is there no end to it? I do find a new insight into my being each time I read a fresh book. I see something about others or me that I had not thought about previously.

I find myself hip deep in another lengthy book right now. In some ways I must enjoy having all of my beliefs challenged. I am ok with feeling a little lost until I can integrate new concepts into my personal paradigm. I don’t mind other people questioning me, because I am continually questioning my own thought system.

This book is stating that, in most cases, I do not really know what is in my best interest. We think we know, but only the Divine can truly see. After life’s twists and turns we come to realize that a situation was not what we thought it was. A person turns out to be someone we should not have trusted, or a job turns out to be a nightmare, or a move resulted in a life we had not anticipated. I am facing relationship choices, career choices, and location choices. How do I know what is in my best interest? I believe that it is true, I probably really don’t know. The text encourages me to have faith and to listen to my Creator. I always joke with my friends and tell them I don’t want to have to guess what the answer is; I want a burning bush. A big YES or NO on the front lawn would suit me fine.

What do I want in my life? Will these decisions bring whatever that is to me? Is my life about finding a body to sit on my sofa? Is it about making more money? Is it about achieving glory? No, at the end of the day I want peace and I want joy. Will any of the situations I am considering bring me peace and joy?

Closer to 60 than 50, I am not looking for another heart break or an unrewarding career. My pondering takes me to a place of faith and listening to my Creator. My book reminds me, that my Creator will not put me in a place of fear, limitation, poverty or pain. I am free to make the choice to be miserable but that is not the will of the Divine.  I was created to be happy. This is my function.  I trust that the burning bush I have asked for will lead me to my best interest.

The Divine created us to be content and supported by loving relationships. Are we able to receive this? Can we allow ourselves to be blissful? How many of us can give freely but cannot tolerate compliments or gifts? When we open ourselves to the abundance of the world in every direction, we allow the energy to pour through us. Our acceptance of an offering is a benefit to our fellow man. We deny our brother the pleasure of giving, if we refuse him out of our feelings of unworthiness.

I know in my heart that we can have heaven on earth. We can choose to be in alignment with our higher selves. If we wish to create a union of peace and joy, we allow ourselves to see the light in our partner. That light is shared and strengthened through our thoughts and actions. Acceptance, nonjudment and kindness.

I consistently see people my age in a place of fear about relationship. I have several girlfriends who simply say, “Never again; I am not going through that kind of pain ever.” My male friends talk about what they have lost in previous break ups: stocks, retirement, and real estate.  In our haste to protect ourselves, have we forgotten the love that we have shared over the years? Why do we choose to feel the fear and the loss? Maybe it is more difficult to talk about love, maybe it is more socially acceptable to share misery, maybe feeling only the loss justifies us withdrawing and closing our heart to everyone around us. Does this decision bring about peace and joy? Hardly. It makes us feel cold, afraid and isolated. This feeling of separateness is not Divine will.

I choose peace. I choose joy. I make a decision to remember the love shared in my past. I am in the process of forgiving myself for any blame I have bestowed on past partners because a relationship ended. It is a process, because no matter how much I think I have ferretted out any negativity, I can find it trickling up. I am ok with that. I will stay vigilant and will bring these buried thoughts to the light as they surface.

In order for us to see the light in our partner, we must see the light in ourselves. We must come to know what an amazing, unique gift we are to the universe. I know when I meet someone, if they do not love and accept themselves, there is no way they can love and accept me. When this happens, I look closer at myself because my brother is my mirror. Am I able to acknowledge all that I am? Am I willing to be as happy as my Creator intended me to be? Can I let my walls down and accept this person as he is without judgment or fear?  

My books on the shelf have served their purpose. After years and years of reading, the conclusion is simple.  It’s not complicated. Be happy. See your brother as the Divine being that he is. See yourself as the perfection that you are. Let the light shine on all of your relationships, past and present. Allow yourself the bliss you were always meant to enjoy.

Reflection

It is a rainy summer night.The Earth is drinking in the long awaited moisture. I can almost hear the trees breathing a sigh of relief and see them flexing their limbs. The hummingbirds dart under the porch roof to sip at the feeders before night falls. I pull my fleecy sweatshirt closer to my chin and feel the cool, damp air kiss my face. I let this week float through my mind and allow the wisdom to rise to the top.

I am aware that relationships are an opportunity for measuring how far we have journeyed along our spiritual path. We cannot know ourselves in a void. Often it is a way of acknowledging who we are not, as much as who we are choosing to be. Relationship can be with a co-worker, a friend, a child or a parent. Bringing another person into our space allows us to have a mirror of our internal process. I have read many times, "if there is something about another person that you don't like, look inside yourself and find it there." I did not find that useful. If I saw or read about someone who stole, or cheated or lied, I would say, "not me. I don't do that." Lately, I have been looking deeper. It's not the action, it's the fear or emotion behind the action. I may not make racist remarks but do I harbor judgement? I may not outwardly criticize but am I afraid that I am not good enough? If I feel a charge, then I know I must look at my reflection.

My cabin affords me the luxury of letting very few people into my space. I have chosen not to have radio, television or newspaper. This place has been my monastery of isolation to propel my inner exploration. When someone enters my life, it is because they have something to teach me. I am aware enough to realize I must watch and listen. When someone acts from a place of fear by withdrawing, or creating conflict or needing to create outcomes, I must look deep inside myself. My actions may not be the same but this person is here to show me something I have asked to see. I have to be especially careful when I want to find fault or blame the other, they are my mirror.

Some authors will refer to old, emotional wounds as stuck emotions or thorns or hot buttons. It is an inescapable part of life to carry at least a few. I remember getting very defensive about a letter I wrote to an academic administrator. I was not criticized for the content, but for not passing the letter through the proper chain of command. I was upset because I thought he was attempting to "put me in my place." What took me awhile to see was that I was not feeling worthy of respect; I was not coming from a place of empowerment; I was doubting my own ideas. It was me putting me in my place.

In the same vein, when a partner has left the relationship, I have been forced to look at my own feelings surrounding the situation. Instead of pointing a finger at their fear of commitment, I see my own. I am so positive I am ready and yet my mirror shows me that I am afraid of losing my freedom. My intellect would certainly deny this accusation. My outside reality reflects my inner truth. I had not come to fully trust myself to balance commitment with independence. I think that I am afraid the other person will take control when in fact it has been me that does not trust me to not give up my power. The other is simply being my mirror reflecting back what I need to see.

When I see the things I love about another person - like generosity, kindness, a gentle spirit - I also know that these are the things I can see in myself. It has been a bumpy road to get to this place of Self love. I cannot expect to truly love another until I can accept all of me. I see the places that still need work and I see the places that really shine. I am a work in progress. Several years ago, my oldest said, "Mom, I think you are looking for a male version of you." I thought that was so funny when only a short time before I had been looking for all the things I thought I wasn't. It took much of my life to come to a space of appreciation about the person that I am. When the time is right I will once again ask to have a relationship teach me more. The other will reflect who I am. Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall.

Bikini

I am waiting for an oil change and of course something is percolating through my brain. Last week I was up and down the lake several times working with my cherry growers. On one of those excursions I brought Aries along with me. On our way home, I stopped with her at one of the state parks along the shore. She lives to fetch a stick and swim. Anyway, I pulled into a secluded boat ramp to let her run and play. There on the small dock was a woman in an orange bikini sunning herself. She was so stunning I could hardly believe my eyes. Women like that appear in magazines on yachts or in the movies, but not in real life. I have no idea of her age or anything about her, only that she was a picture of perfection or the ideal of every woman.

She smiled and told me how much she liked Aries. The lady went back to sunbathing and I back to work. I have thought several times of her since that day for many different reasons.

One, reason was that I wondered how I would have felt if I had a man with me that I cared about. If he had not said anything, I would have felt for a pulse. I appreciated her beauty like a fine work of art. Would he feel comfortable expressing his feelings or reaction to me? Would I have felt insecure or would I have agreed with him whole heartedly?

Only a couple days later I was baling hay in the July heat. A young man was there that is an exquisite specimen of the male physique. I do not feel that I am unusual to have noticed him and appreciated his appearance. Could I share that with a partner? "Hey, honey, there was a young guy at the farm that was muscled and gorgeous." It reminds me of the joke...." and then the fight started."

We have been so conditioned to keep these feelings and thoughts secret. I have learned from ex boyfriends that when they ask about past partners, it has not been safe to tell the truth. I have had a hard time mentioning my ex husband in certain relationships. I still think he is a great person. That has not set well with some dates. It has not been ok to mention that I find someone else appealing or fun. It does not mean I want to pursue another, just voicing an opinion. I trigger their insecurities. So, I stay quiet.

If someone is choosing to spend time with me, then I must assume they want to be there. If not, then they will leave. If I was with a man that wanted to chase after the lady in the orange bikini, then he will. He might just want to say, "Holy cow, she is gorgeous." Period. End of story. Same as me. Would it change the way I feel about myself if he preferred being with her? Would it impact my self worth? My reaction would  demonstrate who I am choosing to be in relation to someone else's behavior. This is an area that needs more soul searching for me.

Another reason I kept thinking of the orange bikini lady is that our society tells women that if we looked like her, we would have any man we wanted, we would have jewels and fancy cars. Life will be handed to us if we can only achieve this flawlessness. This is what drives the cosmetic industry, the plastic surgery clinics, the unending supply of weight loss pills and potions. Sometimes a beautiful woman is idolized and sometimes scorned. I wonder how it would feel to be in that skin? Would people see past your looks? Would you be heard or just seen? Is it really all glamour? I could make up a hundred stories in my mind why she was sitting on that dock. None of which would probably be true.

I am not pretending to be anything other than the middle aged woman that I am. I keep my body active, healthy and strong. I accept myself and where I am in my life. A man will not be deciding to spend time with me based on how I look in a swim suit.  I am not dishing myself either. I navigate steady and true.  All that said, I am still breathing and recognizing attractive people all around me. The lady in the orange bikini gives me much to ponder.

Thorny

There is a large shrub that has been enclosing on my driveway for the past few years. Each month the branches get closer and closer to scratching my car. I wasn't sure what it actually was but it has beautiful, fragrant blossoms in the early summer. The flowers look like wisteria but are attached to gnarly trunks instead of a vine. It was too lovely to destroy but something had to be done to control it. I learned it was a Robe Locust. This is not like the locust we grew on the east coast. This marauding shrub was actually an ornamental tree that had suckered into an invading nuisance

Today, I decided to tackle it. I cut the young sprouts, then the larger ones at the base. I reached in to clear the branches to get a better view and "ouch!" they had spines on them. At each leaf node there was a pair of barbs. As I sucked the blood that trickled from my thumb, I reassessed the situation. I could go back to the garage and get a pair of leather gloves or I could just be more careful. The next reach was much more gentle and deliberate. I dragged a huge pile of branches across the road without incident by paying more attention, watching to see where the thorns were and getting to know the structure of this plant.

The clearing away of all the extraneous growth, allowed the small trees to once again line my roadway. It made the driveway safer. The tree will be healthier by reducing competition for nutrients and water. It was good to have it done.

There are times when it would be beneficial to a relationship to broach a prickly topic. It is often easier to make a path around it, then to venture in and take a chance of getting stabbed. Avoidance may appear the simplest solution for awhile but sooner or later you are going to have to deal with it. The issue is going to keep growing until it blocks your road to a deeper sense of intimacy.

I will take the lesson of the little locust tree. Keep the intention of achieving a more loving union while carefully delving in. Avoid the barbs when possible and keep envisioning the result. If the intention is to just go in and slash branches, back away and approach another day.

I kept picturing the lovely tree I was uncovering. I had to remove dead wood and suckers to restore it. It took effort but now it will be pleasing to see each time I drive up to the cabin. It will grow more vigorously with this assistance. We are both happy. Ignoring the tree would not have solved the problem. It continued to spread each passing day. It will be easier to control and maintain. I will be more vigilant. Now that I know more about the tree's habit, I will work with it and not against it. I will keep it healthy and strong and it will provide me with beauty and sweet aroma.

Freedom

Today is the 4th of July and the word that comes to mind is Freedom. I am feeling totally blessed and grateful for living in the United States. If I were living in many other countries, I would not have the time or the desire to contemplate spiritual teachings and my own inner workings. Anyone that has studied education is familiar with Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Self actualization can only be achieved when basic needs such as food, shelter and safety have been attained. I give thanks to all of the people that have sacrificed before me so that I have the privilege of sitting under this clear blue sky and typing to my heart's content.

I consider what Freedom means to me personally. My cabin symbolizes Freedom. My life is all about Freedom. I laugh when I think of something my girlfriend from San Antonio, Big Tex, said. She said, "I want to make a t-shirt that says - You are not the Boss of me! It reminds me of you, when we were living in Ithaca." It makes me laugh but it is a little sad, too. I was stretching my wings, rebelling against any limits and constructs surrounding me. There was collateral damage, I admit. I was breaking through the paradigm of feeling controlled by a man. The pendulum had swung way out.

I am not sure if men would understand what it is like to know that your shelter and your food is ultimately controlled by another. I had chosen to stay home with my daughters and work on their school schedule. I have never regretted that decision. I lived in the illusion that I did not have an equal say in marital decisions. It's not conscious, but  you know you are not able to support yourself with that kind of income. I see the error in that thinking now, but that is where I was. I felt unheard.  A book I read called it "de-selfing" when you start to lose yourself for the relationship. Resentment builds. It is cultural conditioning for women to acquiesce. Peace at all costs. I did not have the communication skills to stand up for my Self. When I went back to college in my 40's, I found myself in the same situation. Cripes. I fell into allowing a man to control my shelter and job, again. Out of the pan and into the fire. The proverbial spiritual 2 x 4.

Years later, I am in this little cabin on the side of a mountain in Montana. I have created a sacred space, a refuge for healing, that is true. This place has served its purpose. I have had total Freedom here. I sit on the porch with my coffee and write. I go visit my horse, without someone being envious of the time I spend with her. My work is rewarding and can be tiring. I feel comfortable laying on the settee for a half hour when I return. My gym schedule is erratic but important to me. I come and go as I please. Yet, there is something or someone missing.

I acknowledge my longing for relationship and my desire for Freedom. I asked a male  friend of mine not long ago, "What would you make me give up to be in a relationship with you?" I will ask that of any man I am considering. I understand the balance of "I" and "we". A relationship needs a healthy portion of both. 

I will leave my cabin willingly to partner with a man when the time comes. I have learned enough about me to know that I am not going to be dragged out of here with my toothbrush to be stripped of my Freedom. Sharing a roof does not mean giving up who you are or your values. I will do my best to honor and respect my partner's Freedom, also. There is a delicate balance between Freedom and commitment. I do not pretend to have that figured out yet. I believe that will be a process that will unfold. I'm aware that I could use this cabin as an invisible shield to hide behind. That is not my intention. I had to prove something to myself and I have completed that. It's time to write a new chapter. 

Other

It's been one of those weeks when the weather changes within minutes from sun to rain, from calm to wind, from cloudy to clear blue sky. This afternoon, I left the house with my sunglasses on and by the time I traveled the 12 miles to the barn, it was sprinkling. Lakota was whinnying and anxious to have her daily walk. Since her injury, this is the only time she leaves her stall. Last night, I had chosen to go out with friends and she remained confined to her pen. I donned my old sweatshirt, put her halter on and we made our way into the pasture. She eagerly tore at the fresh grass and alfalfa. Nipping at the seed heads of the orchard grass, I could tell she was thoroughly enjoying her snack. I take this opportunity to walk her and allow her to stretch her legs. Lakota's back foot will take months to grow a new hoof. I cannot risk her twisting her leg and straining a tendon, so hand walking is how she will spend this summer. No turn out. The light sprinkle turns into a soft drizzle. I bring my hood over my head and wait it out. Lakota is taking such pleasure in her green smorgasbord that it makes me smile. It makes me happy to see her happy. Thirty minutes in a summer shower never hurt anybody.

I am well aware of how important the focus on Self is to an individual and to a relationship. On the same hand, is the recognition of Other. I am not sure if taking Lakota out for her stroll brings me more joy or her. When I can please someone that I love, it makes me happy. I am doing it for my Self, also. Anyone that has children, knows the gratitude we feel when we are able to give our child something that they desired. The giving touches our heart. It allows us to expand inside. It doesn't mean we are denying Self to please another. If I know my sibling, or lover or child loves strawberry cake and I bake it for them, am I giving up Self? I think not. I may actually be being Self-ish. It brings me as much pleasure as them. It is important to allow others to do for us and to receive from them. We deny them the chance to feel that expansion of the heart if we cannot accept freely and be gracious.

Giving and receiving is an energetic flow. Back and forth, in and out. It is funny how many people have a hard time letting anyone do for them. I have been guilty of this. Lakota reminds me how wonderful it feels to give and to receive. Our animals bring us satisfaction simply by being near us. Is it so hard to fathom that we could bring that kind of contentment to another human being? Are we able to recognize our own unique value and contributions? If we can see our worth, it may make it easier to for us to allow others to fulfill our wishes without second guessing the intention. We understand how it feels to give to the Other. It is a fine balance to focus on Self and still tend to the Other. Only in relationship can we know who we really are. In a void, we are no-thing.

I will continue to take Lakota on her walks for the next several months. It will get hot and of course buggy. It is inconvenient at times. I do it because I love her and it brings me pleasure. I could easily leave her in her stall to mend but that would sit heavy on my heart. I am thinking of Self and Other. I hope to get her here behind the cabin soon. Until then, we walk together.

photo by Nicole Tavenner

Simple

I woke at 5:00 a.m. and begged my body to go to sleep. It is a well deserved day off and time to rest. Yet, the birds are singing and the sky is a mixture of peaches and butter. I make the coffee, pull my fuzzy sweatpants up under my nightgown, throw on a jacket and head outside. It is a brisk 48 degrees. The clouds are rolling in as I sit down in the sunny corner of the porch with my cup of steaming brew. The hummingbirds compete for the warm solution I have just prepared. Two feeders full and still they jostle each other for position.

I watch my bluebirds take turns feeding their young. I chuckle to myself when I think back to three years ago when I had a decision to make to move to Missoula or stay in the cabin with my current job. The sign for me to stay was that the bluebirds took up residency in the house I had placed out my kitchen window. All my life in New York, I had wanted to have bluebirds and here in this field I had prepared a place and they had come. It had turned out to be the best career choice for me.

The bluebirds move almost rhythmically in and out of the house. First one, then the other. Their focus is simple and clear. Maintain the species. They build the nest, lay the eggs, rear the young. It's off to warmer climates for the winter and then the cycle repeats. The male is perched on the fence post observing me type as I make my best attempt to peer into his brain. He is being a bluebird. How wonderfully peaceful. He is not worried about where he will go this winter; he is not worried that his mate will not like something he said; he is not rehashing his childhood. He is just being a bluebird.

How did human life get so complex? Why do we seem to go out of our way to make things complicated? Why is it that we feel we have to have the newest car, have the best house, attain the right career, create the most elaborate identity to feel complete? We have the ability to take a relationship  and question its validity to the point of dissolution. Are we ever satisfied? Can we finally rest once any of these things have been achieved? Is there a way to simplify? Can we just relax and breathe in life as it comes?

My oldest daughter used to say, when we were camping, "What else could anyone ever want?" We had our tent, our horses and good food. I had to agree. We'd read books by the fire at night and relive our expedition of the day. I feel that way about living in this cabin. For the first few years, I kept feeling that I should buy a house. It was the first year of the recession of 2008. Real estate was tanking. It has been five years and I am still here. My life is simple in this space. No television, no newspaper, sometimes a radio. There are only six houses on this dirt road. The only sounds are the birds and the wind as it rattles the leaves of the aspens.

The job I currently have, necessitates that I am continually barraged by phone calls, client consults and farm visits. I am grateful to be of service but it is a drain to my system. At the end of the day, it is the simplicity of the cabin that brings me peace and recharges me. I sit here on my porch with my hair askew, wearing my glasses and my fuzzy clothes over and under my pajamas. I am alone and content in this hideaway. My flowers are waving a gentle "good morning" as the rooster crows across the canyon. Thank you, blue bird, for reminding me how simple life can be. On this delicious day off I will not concern myself with tomorrow's projects or my past experiences. I will revel in the sunshine, the hawk that has just appeared over my head and the simple pleasures of life.

Purpose

I remember the early years of my marriage, when we worked tirelessly on building a home, raising our daughters and planning the future. For decorating ideas we looked at books and magazines, went to home shows, traveled and did a lot of sketching. For years I kept a folder of the clippings and photos we had collected, all of our dreams yellowed and crumpled but still there. I saw the red kitchen with the brick wall that had inspired our red countertops. Our Italian tile had been placed to replicate the look of old polished stone. My husband and I loved the old bed and breakfasts and country inns of Massachusetts and Vermont. Our furniture and antiques reflected those cozy evenings spent by a fire sipping scotch. We had a sense of purpose.

As the years flew by, our world revolved around the girl's sports, dancing, birthday parties, homework and vacations. We did our best to maintain a structured household in spite of an often chaotic seasonal business. The family ate healthy food and had an "old fashioned" set dinner schedule. Our purpose was to raise happy, healthy, successful young women in a loving home.

Our purpose was not discussed. I guess it was implied in everything we did. Maybe it was our age, this is what people do when they are just starting out in their 20's. Well, they did back then. They dream; they create; they build.

So many marriages disintegrate after the children are raised. At Cornell, there were freshman crying all the time about their parents splitting up. They had no idea there was a problem at home. A friend visited me yesterday and was discussing a marriage in the midst of dissolving. The child will be graduating in a year and then there will be no reason to continue, according to this source. The same thing happened in my life. There are thousands of different twists and flavors of the story but the ending is the same.

I have been single a long time now. I have been seeking the company and partnership of an intimate relationship. Reading the statistics and listening to "experts" is hardly confidence building material. I question why so many relationships fall apart. Many may have been entered into for the wrong reasons, yes - this should be examined. Maybe there is also a spiritual or energetic contract that was meant to be temporary, not permanent. The partnership fulfilled the goal and then it faded away, no fault, we simply did not understand the deeper reasons. Then again, I wonder about the role of Purpose.

When two people are united by a common goal or dream, it can be a glue that cements them more firmly. It gives each a reason to set aside their own petty irritations. The couple feel that they are headed in the same direction. There will be trade-offs and challenges, but the thrill of accomplishment will be shared by both equally. A purpose allows the opportunity for shared discussion, dreams and efforts. My question to myself is this possible later in life? What would that look like?

If a relationship between individuals is entered into with just companionship as a goal, I wonder if this is enough. If both people have separate careers, hobbies, friends and lifestyles and they decide to make a home together, what are the chances of survival? If the shared goal is finite, like creating a not-for-profit business or building a community center, it seems to me that the partnership would likely have an ending.

Could a spiritual path towards Enlightenment serve as Purpose? Could two people support each other's journey no matter where that road might take them? On this Earth there is no completion. Would each recognize their role as mirror to each other. Could each see themselves reflected in their partner? Relationship can serve as a barometer of our evolution. Are we able to stay centered and calm in relative to another's upset? Can we be compassionate without taking on our partners tribulations? Are we able to open and accept fully the love and adoration of our companion? Can we give without any expectation or conditions? Are we able to take responsibility for our own happiness and support our partner's path even if it takes them out of the relationship? That situation would certainly give us an indication of our progress. Forgiveness is ultimately not a factor in this arrangement because on a higher level we know that there is no right or wrong; our soul has arranged conditions that promote our growth and move us closer to our connection to Source. There is no forgiveness since there is no infraction. It is better to observe who we are choosing to be in light of any imagined transgression.

Do I think a relationship based on the purpose of spiritual growth would be all roses and wine? No. I imagine a commitment to a purpose higher than what I can conceive at this time. I imagine loving someone deeper and more intensely than I ever knew possible. I expect that I will shed tears as I face the boundaries of the constructs I have built over the course of my life. There will be times when I am forced to question everything I have ever learned or concluded about who I am. Occasions when I have been pushed way out of my comfort zone, I have grown exponentially. This could not happen in arenas where everything flows smoothly. On the flip side, I know in my heart that this type of communion with another would deliver joy, peace and blessings that would truly be heaven on earth. Is such a union possible? 

I question my term enlightenment because who of us knows what that really looks like? A better concept might be to say a path of growth and evolution based on love and mutual support. I am a seeker. The more I search to find the answers, the more I realize I know nothing. All of the beliefs I have formed, all of my self definitions, all of the paramaters I have set up for my comfort have proved to be false. I am willing to be bare and vulnerable while finding my way. Only by walking across this abyss, without knowing if I will fall, do I have any hope of pushing myself to be more. More of what? I dont know that either, not yet. Faith and Trust.  I  travel on.

Unfolding

A friend gave me a package of seeds. They were labeled "mixed hollyhocks". She said they were selected from a patch of brilliant colored flowers. I waited almost a year to put them in the ground. 

First I had to wait for the snow to melt and the soil temperature to rise. Then I removed all the weeds that had encroached and prepared the bed. The seeds were lovingly placed and tamped into the earth. Now the waiting. 

Hollyhocks are a type of plant, a biennial, that will not produce flowers the first year. The foliage will flourish and the plant will set strong roots but the flowers do not appear until the second year. No matter how I desire to see what color flower these seeds hold, I have to wait and allow the plant to mature on its own schedule. No amount of my wanting, worrying or pleading will change the course of nature.

I do not know if my seeds will even germinate. Maybe they lost their vitality in storage. It is possible that the young plants may not make it through their first winter. Equally, the potential is there for a full spectrum of colored hollyhocks to grace the wall of the cabin for years and years. The bees and the hummingbirds will drink their nectar, they will pivot their petals to greet the sun each morning and will provide a cheery welcome into my home. I cannot see the future.

Why is it more challenging for me to acknowledge this natural unfolding in relationships?  How often do I feel the pull  to break open the seed to see what mystery it holds? By doing that,  I would destroy the opportunity for growth. The seed cannot set its roots and push its tender  leaves through the soil if it is pulled at, has too many nutrients applied or dug up to have its progress inspected every day. 

Planting a seed is an act of faith. Faith that a power greater than ourselves is taking care of the seed and has a divine plan. If the seed is meant to thrive, it will. We can, of course, help it by providing water and keeping the weeds from invading, but we cannot change the plan. I am doing my best to see that allowing relationship to unfold at its own pace is acknowledging my faith. If I strive to see what lies ahead, I am destroying the newly planted seed. My need to know how the story ends is like needing to know the hollyhock's color. Do I really feel that I can control the outcome? Why would I want to? How would that contribute to my evolution and growth. I, like my seed, am strengthened by the challenges of my environment. Can I trust the process and learn from my years of gardening? 

Whether the hollyhocks grow or not, it does not change who or what I am. I will continue to enjoy all the other flowers in my garden if this package does not produce. When it is time, if necessary, I will plant again. I  find pleasure in the waiting, watching and unfolding everyday. Only the Divine knows the plan. I relax into that knowing that I am the gardener that tends, but I am not in control, nor do I wish to be.

Buying a ticket

Ok, I'll admit it. I just joined an on-line dating service. I guess it has been about two weeks. What an experience. There are 40 million people who have tried on line dating. Stats say 20% of people meet on line and end up in committed relationships. I guess you cant win if you dont buy a ticket. I am giving this a three month try. There seems to be a stigma around this type of meeting and I am not sure why. Something needs to shift in my life - a man, a house, my job - something. I feel like I have been on hold, waiting, for over a year and I'm done with that.

I've always been the type that thought that when the time was right and the stars aligned, I would just run into "him".  It happened that way for me with my last boyfriend.

After two weeks of having daily matches sent to my inbox, including my ex,  I am inspired to start a new service. My marketing background kicks in and I have to say, "Hey, guys, please proof read your profiles!!!" I feel that I could rewrite profiles and make some good money. I could market these men much better than they do. I mentioned this to some of my girlfriends, just in case I am totally off target and they agreed.

• Enough with the fish. Every man has a photo of him with a fish. Unless you are trying to catch cats, I'd say do away with this. Women dont really care how big your fish is, only other guys do.  Women  envision you gone every weekend in your boat with your buddies drinking beer.
• Your call name. Think about what  you are trying to say to a woman. LoverBoy? Woody4you?  Hunglikeabuffalo? Seriously. What are you trying to attract -  another bovine? If that is what you are looking for - go for it. No woman that I know would respond.
• Get a friend to take your photo. If all you have is a photo of you in front of your computer or you in front of your bathroom mirror, it does not speak highly of your number of friends or social events.
• Get a haircut and trim your beard. Unless you want a woman that looks like she crawled out from under a rock, do a little grooming.
• Use spell check on your computer and then paste it into your profile. The misspellings are atrocious.

I have met a few really nice people so far. I am in exploration mode. I acknowledge my uncertainty about moving on and have more than a little trepidation. I also feel the excitement of a potential relationship. There is nothing worse than a wimpy Aries, a friend of mine tells me. Get out there and jump back into the game.

Pray but keep your feet moving. None of us know what lies around each corner. I am in the place of allowing and will see what I can co-create with the universe.