Return

Even though it is still August, the air was crisp like an autumn morning today. Droplets of dew hung heavily on the long grasses and glistened as the early rays of sun peeked over the back hill. It was the first morning in ages I was able to settle into my camp chair without the harassment of wasps. On cold mornings, this is the place I choose to drink in the first dose of warmth. My feet find the prefect ottoman on the concrete wall and coffee slides down sensuously. This is the time of day I feel closest to my Creator, my Source. As the day makes its debut, I am filled with gratitude and a sense of peace. I am intoxicated by the sun rises over the Atlantic, swept away by the colors of the early morning over the Kalahari and I anticipate the grandeur of watching the sunrise over the Glacier peaks. The cabin sits in a canyon and I do not observe the sun until it is fairly high in the sky but the pleasure is still palpable.

As I say my morning prayers, I am filled with love and appreciation for the people that come in and out of my life. I see how each interaction has added to the tapestry of my life with its own unique color and texture. "God has sent us only angels." Conversations with God, Neale Donald Walsh. I let the images of people, places and situations percolate through my being and gave thanks to their contributions for assisting me in developing into the person that am today. My awareness dove into my heart center; I felt a finger of light and love reach out from my heart to all of those I have cherished, both past and present. Compassion, healing, understanding and deep affection poured from my center to theirs.

What came to me is that "freedom is the highest expression of love". That made sense, no judgements, no boundaries, no needing to meet someone else's needs. Ok. So, I am sitting feeling content that I have come to a place where I have emotionally set all these people free. I have sent them love and light and come to a feeling of peace. Then, I think of the Return. Wouldn't absolute freedom and therefore the highest form of love include the allowing of reconnection with the same love and light?

A friend of mine posed a thought provoking question. He asked, "do you think it is spiritual to allow your partner total freedom in the relationship even if it means spending time with another?" Wow. My conditioning tells me one answer but my being knows the reality. We are love. That is all we are, it is all we can ever be. Anything that stands in the way of knowing that truth is fear based on conditioning and outdated belief systems. Recognizing that all the people that I have interacted with are pure love, some are simply more in alignment with their knowing of this fact, allows me a new perspective. Marriages disintegrate, friendships crumble, families disown each other - because they are unwilling to allow the return. Blame, shame and guilt is heaped on one party or both and there is no compassion. The story of the prodigal son in the Bible has more meaning to me in this light.

What if one of the people that I have "set free" came back and stood on my porch asking to renew our connection? Would I be able to see past the old story to accept them as the loving being that they are? Would I remember the mirror that they were for me and how they helped me along my path? Would I recognize the gifts that they provided at just the time I required them? It comes back to self knowledge. It comes back to seeing our roles in a new light. There is no forgiveness when we realize that these individuals all came to us for our growth. The pain, the hurt, the conflict was all an illusion we created to demonstrate where we still needed work.

Allowing the return does not mean opening up ourselves to abuse, or sexual coercion or struggle. I feel it as absolute acceptance of the God inside the other. It is the laying down of barriers, weapons and walls in order to see their Divinity. I trust myself and love myself enough to know that I will make choices that are for my highest good in this new dynamic. There are many wonderful people that have come and gone from my life. Their presence was a blessing even if I did not always see their contribution at the time. I have learned so much from them. I have been on both sides of this equation. I have attempted to reconnect friendships and been turned away. I have also been afraid to allow another's return in fear of a repeat of old patterns. When I declined, I see it is me again I didn't trust to design new parameters. By holding onto the past, I have been shooting the messenger for the awareness that they brought. Those lessons can be painful if resisted. I now realize I can open my heart and create unlimited possibilities of interaction. People who push me away do not wish to hear the message that I bring or uncover the wounds they have hidden from themselves. I cannot possibly know what my role is in their lives just as I am not fully conscious of theirs in mine. It is not personal. When there is a lesson they are requiring, if I don't bring it, the next person will. Have no doubt. The same situations will keep appearing with different faces until we finally see. This is the "pie in the face place".

Letting someone go in love and light is noble, but allowing them to return to share in our love and friendship takes it a whole step beyond. This takes the expression "freedom is the highest form of love" to a higher level and acknowledges the God within all of us. For me, the answer to my friend's question is, "absolutely". To love your partner or a friend enough, to feel secure enough in your own being, to trust yourself completely and to give them their freedom to come and go is an enlightened, spiritual individual. This is my work in progress.

I just heard the call of the red tailed hawk and went outside to find him sitting in the tree next to my house. He was telling me to get outside on such a gorgeous day and stop wasting daylight. There will be more time to contemplate. Cherries are ripe on the trees and ready for harvest!

Freedom

Today is the 4th of July and the word that comes to mind is Freedom. I am feeling totally blessed and grateful for living in the United States. If I were living in many other countries, I would not have the time or the desire to contemplate spiritual teachings and my own inner workings. Anyone that has studied education is familiar with Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Self actualization can only be achieved when basic needs such as food, shelter and safety have been attained. I give thanks to all of the people that have sacrificed before me so that I have the privilege of sitting under this clear blue sky and typing to my heart's content.

I consider what Freedom means to me personally. My cabin symbolizes Freedom. My life is all about Freedom. I laugh when I think of something my girlfriend from San Antonio, Big Tex, said. She said, "I want to make a t-shirt that says - You are not the Boss of me! It reminds me of you, when we were living in Ithaca." It makes me laugh but it is a little sad, too. I was stretching my wings, rebelling against any limits and constructs surrounding me. There was collateral damage, I admit. I was breaking through the paradigm of feeling controlled by a man. The pendulum had swung way out.

I am not sure if men would understand what it is like to know that your shelter and your food is ultimately controlled by another. I had chosen to stay home with my daughters and work on their school schedule. I have never regretted that decision. I lived in the illusion that I did not have an equal say in marital decisions. It's not conscious, but  you know you are not able to support yourself with that kind of income. I see the error in that thinking now, but that is where I was. I felt unheard.  A book I read called it "de-selfing" when you start to lose yourself for the relationship. Resentment builds. It is cultural conditioning for women to acquiesce. Peace at all costs. I did not have the communication skills to stand up for my Self. When I went back to college in my 40's, I found myself in the same situation. Cripes. I fell into allowing a man to control my shelter and job, again. Out of the pan and into the fire. The proverbial spiritual 2 x 4.

Years later, I am in this little cabin on the side of a mountain in Montana. I have created a sacred space, a refuge for healing, that is true. This place has served its purpose. I have had total Freedom here. I sit on the porch with my coffee and write. I go visit my horse, without someone being envious of the time I spend with her. My work is rewarding and can be tiring. I feel comfortable laying on the settee for a half hour when I return. My gym schedule is erratic but important to me. I come and go as I please. Yet, there is something or someone missing.

I acknowledge my longing for relationship and my desire for Freedom. I asked a male  friend of mine not long ago, "What would you make me give up to be in a relationship with you?" I will ask that of any man I am considering. I understand the balance of "I" and "we". A relationship needs a healthy portion of both. 

I will leave my cabin willingly to partner with a man when the time comes. I have learned enough about me to know that I am not going to be dragged out of here with my toothbrush to be stripped of my Freedom. Sharing a roof does not mean giving up who you are or your values. I will do my best to honor and respect my partner's Freedom, also. There is a delicate balance between Freedom and commitment. I do not pretend to have that figured out yet. I believe that will be a process that will unfold. I'm aware that I could use this cabin as an invisible shield to hide behind. That is not my intention. I had to prove something to myself and I have completed that. It's time to write a new chapter.