Bedtime Stories for Grownups hits the press !

Bee

I was taking time to smell the roses under my window, when I saw a little bee lying very still in the middle of the blossom. It was early in the morning and I thought maybe he had passed away during the night. I was a bit sad but I had to admit, he had selected a lovely place to transition. He looked so soft and fuzzy that I was compelled to touch him gently with my finger. Much to my surprise, he stretched his legs and rolled over. He was sleeping! Maybe he was just not a morning person. Bees have roles: workers, queens, nurses and builders. I am guessing he did not appreciate the early shift. This adorable little guy was lying in the sun, nestled in a bed of pollen, intoxicated by the fragrance.

Even in nature, the tiniest of beings are able to enjoy life’s pleasures. Thank you, Mr. Bee, for appreciating the roses I have planted and enjoying them as much as I do.

Weed Management

I had never given weeds a second thought before moving to Montana. In the landscape/garden center business, weeds were an inconvenience in a lawn or flower bed that needed eradicating. Simple enough. As county agent in Montana, as soon as the snow melts, weeds take center stage in my work. Phone calls asking how to control them, office visits to identify them, farm calls to help educate on over grazing and hay inspections to insure that weeds do not get into the wilderness areas we cherish. Invasive species threaten to make grazing impossible for livestock, clog the waterways and overtake native vegetation.

As I walk Aries each evening along our dirt road, I have decided to take on the weeds that are doing their best to encroach into our territory. I removed the flowers from the houndstongue a week or so ago. These attractive blossoms will mature into the cockleburs that stick to clothes, dogs and deer in an effort to proliferate across the region. Yesterday, I started on the thistle. Along the shoulder are both bull-thistle and the Canadian thistle. I used my long handled loppers to reach past their thorny protection to cut them off at the base. Each flower will produce thousands of seeds if not eliminated. I was feeling a sense of accomplishment until I came to an enormous patch on a hillside below an old garage. Thistles in all sizes and stages poked up through the long grass. I started at the base of the hill and hacked away at each enemy one at a time. The feeling of futility began descending over me as I reviewed my progress. That is when I thought of what I recommend to all my clients. "Think in terms of a weed management plan." It may take years to actually eliminate all the weeds. It takes time and perseverance, patience and commitment. It is a process. There is no "silver bullet." The seed bank for some of these weeds may stay viable for 20 years. Just when you think you have them licked, a stalk appears to your dismay. "Stay with it." Do the best you can a little at a time.

I changed my strategy for that patch. I set my attention on taking out the largest plants that were closest to blossoming. I will remain vigilant of that area. I will take out each successive generation as it pokes up through the grass. It is a process.

This awareness brought me back to a situation I am dealing currently with in my life. I am always looking to know myself on a deeper and deeper level. A book was suggested to me that I read last week. I saw things about me that rocked my sense of Self. I will delve into the particulars in a future post but in brief a quality that I had been raised to value, I realized was actually detrimental to my relationships. Helping too much, working too hard and self sacrificing can be damaging to true intimacy. What is ironic, is that these traits were applauded in my family and were a a major building block of my identity. When I considered who I was in the world without these actions, I had no idea. I had to start all over and allow new understandings to enter my consciousness. This path of self discovery is a process. As I ask the Universe for more awareness and more insight, it is shown to me. It is not always pleasant. Growing pains can hurt sometimes. There is no silver bullet. There is no instant enlightenment. I am accepting that I will always be watchful of weeds that poke up in my meadow. I have a seed bank of over 50 years that is sure to germinate when the time is right. I will stay mindful and accept them with gratitude as the means to go even deeper into my self exploration. I may never completely eradicate all the weeds but I have a management plan.

Other

It's been one of those weeks when the weather changes within minutes from sun to rain, from calm to wind, from cloudy to clear blue sky. This afternoon, I left the house with my sunglasses on and by the time I traveled the 12 miles to the barn, it was sprinkling. Lakota was whinnying and anxious to have her daily walk. Since her injury, this is the only time she leaves her stall. Last night, I had chosen to go out with friends and she remained confined to her pen. I donned my old sweatshirt, put her halter on and we made our way into the pasture. She eagerly tore at the fresh grass and alfalfa. Nipping at the seed heads of the orchard grass, I could tell she was thoroughly enjoying her snack. I take this opportunity to walk her and allow her to stretch her legs. Lakota's back foot will take months to grow a new hoof. I cannot risk her twisting her leg and straining a tendon, so hand walking is how she will spend this summer. No turn out. The light sprinkle turns into a soft drizzle. I bring my hood over my head and wait it out. Lakota is taking such pleasure in her green smorgasbord that it makes me smile. It makes me happy to see her happy. Thirty minutes in a summer shower never hurt anybody.

I am well aware of how important the focus on Self is to an individual and to a relationship. On the same hand, is the recognition of Other. I am not sure if taking Lakota out for her stroll brings me more joy or her. When I can please someone that I love, it makes me happy. I am doing it for my Self, also. Anyone that has children, knows the gratitude we feel when we are able to give our child something that they desired. The giving touches our heart. It allows us to expand inside. It doesn't mean we are denying Self to please another. If I know my sibling, or lover or child loves strawberry cake and I bake it for them, am I giving up Self? I think not. I may actually be being Self-ish. It brings me as much pleasure as them. It is important to allow others to do for us and to receive from them. We deny them the chance to feel that expansion of the heart if we cannot accept freely and be gracious.

Giving and receiving is an energetic flow. Back and forth, in and out. It is funny how many people have a hard time letting anyone do for them. I have been guilty of this. Lakota reminds me how wonderful it feels to give and to receive. Our animals bring us satisfaction simply by being near us. Is it so hard to fathom that we could bring that kind of contentment to another human being? Are we able to recognize our own unique value and contributions? If we can see our worth, it may make it easier to for us to allow others to fulfill our wishes without second guessing the intention. We understand how it feels to give to the Other. It is a fine balance to focus on Self and still tend to the Other. Only in relationship can we know who we really are. In a void, we are no-thing.

I will continue to take Lakota on her walks for the next several months. It will get hot and of course buggy. It is inconvenient at times. I do it because I love her and it brings me pleasure. I could easily leave her in her stall to mend but that would sit heavy on my heart. I am thinking of Self and Other. I hope to get her here behind the cabin soon. Until then, we walk together.

photo by Nicole Tavenner

Learning Through the Grapevine | Flathead Beacon

Learning Through the Grapevine | Flathead Beacon

Simple

I woke at 5:00 a.m. and begged my body to go to sleep. It is a well deserved day off and time to rest. Yet, the birds are singing and the sky is a mixture of peaches and butter. I make the coffee, pull my fuzzy sweatpants up under my nightgown, throw on a jacket and head outside. It is a brisk 48 degrees. The clouds are rolling in as I sit down in the sunny corner of the porch with my cup of steaming brew. The hummingbirds compete for the warm solution I have just prepared. Two feeders full and still they jostle each other for position.

I watch my bluebirds take turns feeding their young. I chuckle to myself when I think back to three years ago when I had a decision to make to move to Missoula or stay in the cabin with my current job. The sign for me to stay was that the bluebirds took up residency in the house I had placed out my kitchen window. All my life in New York, I had wanted to have bluebirds and here in this field I had prepared a place and they had come. It had turned out to be the best career choice for me.

The bluebirds move almost rhythmically in and out of the house. First one, then the other. Their focus is simple and clear. Maintain the species. They build the nest, lay the eggs, rear the young. It's off to warmer climates for the winter and then the cycle repeats. The male is perched on the fence post observing me type as I make my best attempt to peer into his brain. He is being a bluebird. How wonderfully peaceful. He is not worried about where he will go this winter; he is not worried that his mate will not like something he said; he is not rehashing his childhood. He is just being a bluebird.

How did human life get so complex? Why do we seem to go out of our way to make things complicated? Why is it that we feel we have to have the newest car, have the best house, attain the right career, create the most elaborate identity to feel complete? We have the ability to take a relationship  and question its validity to the point of dissolution. Are we ever satisfied? Can we finally rest once any of these things have been achieved? Is there a way to simplify? Can we just relax and breathe in life as it comes?

My oldest daughter used to say, when we were camping, "What else could anyone ever want?" We had our tent, our horses and good food. I had to agree. We'd read books by the fire at night and relive our expedition of the day. I feel that way about living in this cabin. For the first few years, I kept feeling that I should buy a house. It was the first year of the recession of 2008. Real estate was tanking. It has been five years and I am still here. My life is simple in this space. No television, no newspaper, sometimes a radio. There are only six houses on this dirt road. The only sounds are the birds and the wind as it rattles the leaves of the aspens.

The job I currently have, necessitates that I am continually barraged by phone calls, client consults and farm visits. I am grateful to be of service but it is a drain to my system. At the end of the day, it is the simplicity of the cabin that brings me peace and recharges me. I sit here on my porch with my hair askew, wearing my glasses and my fuzzy clothes over and under my pajamas. I am alone and content in this hideaway. My flowers are waving a gentle "good morning" as the rooster crows across the canyon. Thank you, blue bird, for reminding me how simple life can be. On this delicious day off I will not concern myself with tomorrow's projects or my past experiences. I will revel in the sunshine, the hawk that has just appeared over my head and the simple pleasures of life.

Self

I watched a movie a couple days ago on a rainy, Sunday afternoon. The lead was played by an actress born and raised here in Kalispell, MT. The story is about a happily (?)  married woman who falls in love with another man. She tries to fight it but eventually leaves the husband to move in with the lover. What was so well portrayed is her life ended up exactly the same as it was with the first man as with the second. How poignant? Sure, there was the passion and romance of the beginning but after a period of time they were sitting on the couch watching television, reading a paper, and she was baking the same muffins in the oven. After all of the turmoil and upheaval, how far had she gotten? Was she really happier?

One of my favorite books of all time is Neale Donald Walsch's Conversations with God. I can read this series endlessly for some reason. The themes in the book were beautifully acted out in this movie. Relationships fail when we are focused on the other. "What is the other doing, having, saying, wanting, demanding, thinking, planning, expecting?" The message to take away is that it doesn't matter. What matters is who we are being in relationship to all of that.  The concern of each person should be on Self.

If a person does not love them self then they will feel that no one can really love them. They will feel that you are trying to manipulate them or get something from them, because they cannot accept the love being offered. No matter how you say it or how often, it will never be enough. It is not possible to feel truly loved until you fall in love with yourself. It is also not possible for you to love another totally until you know your own worth.

I think of the main character in the movie. She felt the new man would make her world complete. What was she doing to feel fulfilled? What was she doing to bring happiness into her own world? She said she wanted to be a writer but when asked why she wasn't writing, she had no answer. Her husband was following his passion and working on making his dream come to fruition. She wandered aimlessly with an empty heart. She was looking to her husband and then her lover to bring the things to her that she was not willing to do for herself. I wondered how many years would this partnership last before she became disillusioned with the latest man? Then what? Would she jump to the next man that offered her fun and excitement?

I am not saying that people should stay in relationships that are abusive or detrimental. How many times though does the grass look greener on the other side? How many times are we looking at others to bring us joy, happiness, comfort? Can we see that relationship is an opportunity to be all of these things but we must be willing to provide for ourselves first?

I have friends that just cannot accept the wonderful people that they are. They do not see their own light. They are generous, kind, sweet and gentle but they do not recognize it. They are looking at the physical structure in the mirror and finding it lacking. I say, "Look inside, look deeper." Find that loving Spirit that the rest of us see. Be content. Know yourself.

I hope there is a sequel so I can see if this lady ever finds herself and discovers true contentment with her companion.