André F. van Rooyen: 15. Matobo Time

André F. van Rooyen: 15. Matobo Time

If you build it, they will come.

Ok, I admit it, I was wrong. I went to the barn where I keep my horse and I saw a plywood sign on the road spray painted “Free garden space”. I asked the farm owner, “What is up with the sign?” He said, “Look!” He proudly showed me that he had enclosed a section of his fallow hay ground with deer fence and tilled it smooth. “It’s a new community garden.”

Considering that I was the county extension agent and had organized many of these gardens around the area, I thought he was being naïve. It takes a village to raise a community garden; committees formed, goals established, raised beds built. His farm was out in West Valley where there was no transportation and his neighbors all had acreage. Why would anyone out here need garden space and who would travel all the way out to this spot from town to use it? All that effort, gone to waste.

A few days later I saw activity inside the fence. Strings were being tied, rows created, seeds sprinkled. What? Who? Soon the garden was springing up with flowers and leaves and shoots. Neighbors further up the road were on rocky ground and in shaded areas. The deer were a constant threat and plantings were always under assault. It became obvious the location was perfect. People would stop by the garden on their way home from work and tend to their young vegetables. I was amazed.

After the first season, there were so many friends that wanted to join the garden that the farmer expanded the fence. Irrigation was improved from a single hose to an automated system. I did have my nose slightly out of joint when I realized that the project for having the riding arena enlarged was on hold so that the garden size could be increased. More and more gardeners arrived daily. A shed was constructed for tools. One gardener installed a small plastic house to start her tomatoes. A few of my master gardeners showed up and started planting. It was fabulous.

Centennial Farm is the location. Les Keller is the farmer. He is shy about talking about his success but when asked about the garden, he gushes about how much he enjoys it. “I meet all the nicest people who live nearby and I am constantly receiving fresh vegetables. I wish more farmers would consider taking a small piece of ground and provide it to others for gardening. The fence and the water are a small price to pay for the satisfaction of seeing nine families from my area growing their own healthy food. I am not sure how I would have met so many neighbors if I hadn’t done this.”

As I ride my horse on the farm, I wave to the gardeners who ask where my plot is. I say, “I have a horse.” This is my choice. The sunflowers hang over the fence and rattle in the breeze. The gardeners exchange ideas and advice under the brightly colored umbrella installed over a spool. Les refuses to acknowledge that this garden was an act of generosity but his neighbors disagree. He has offered to help any other farmers interested in creating a community garden for their neighbors. Build it and they will come.

Pink Moon

He invited me to watch the Pink Moon rise over the Swan Mountains with him. I did not know that the full moon in April had such a designation. We walked along the lakeshore observing the snowcaps bathed in the rosy rays of sunset. A great horned owl gazed silently at our progression along the dike. He and I came to rest on a grassy slope that afforded a view of the marshland. The trill of the red winged blackbirds surrounded us. A pair of Canada geese honked overhead. Ducks sought refuge among the reeds. Deep blue clouds floated in to rest atop the peaks in the east. Who would win out, the formations or the long awaited Pink Moon? We waited in silence filled with the tranquility of the moment. The last of the sun’s rays lit golden on the cattails as the chill of the damp earth eventually worked its way through our jeans. The clouds were winning but the moon remained steady in its ascent. He reached for me and held me close, his hands stroking my hair. Then a tentative kiss. The sand hill crane croaked its prehistoric call. Confidence rising, melting, giving, receiving – laughter and tenderness. The moon eventually rose above the clouds but long after I had returned to my cabin. The Pink Moon is forever etched upon my heart even though I did not see it with my eyes.

This snippet from my journal reminds me of the reason why I am so grateful for my life. I read this passage and am transported to this treasured moment. The savory deliciousness of each encounter in my past is engraved on my heart. I am fortunate to have experienced the thrill and exhilaration of potential love. The magic of these moments does not fade whether I am 16 or 60. This is the frosting on the cake of my life.

Being a romantic is not for cowards. To enjoy the moment means opening and allowing the connection for all that can be. If I didn’t release my fear and allow myself to bond with this man, I would have denied myself the pleasure of this instant. The length of time that this union endures, does not define the value. If preoccupation with security and protection is foremost, we block all feelings behind walls of trepidation. How can we breathe in his scent and hear his heartbeat when we are fixated on the possibility that he may one day leave? How can he find us, if we insist on hiding?

Be bold. Be vulnerable. What is at risk? What is heartbreak? Heartbreak is when you have assigned a function to another person and they did not live up to the role you desired. You say to them, “I need you to fulfill this need for me or I will be …despondent, depressed, angry, ill...take your pick.” How does it feel to have someone put those conditions on you? I am responsible for my happiness. My partner can certainly add to that pleasure but I am ultimately in charge of my life and how I view it.

I choose to remember what I brought to the scenario. I brought an open, willing heart. I was generous and kind. I was playful and innocent. These emotions feel wonderful. I did not act or pretend; I was totally myself. I love the way I felt. I cannot know how another is interpreting my actions or words. I cannot dictate his actions nor would I want to. My security is my own. I know who I am going into this situation and I will be the same person if it continues or ends. I trust me. When I have loved honestly, willingly without expectation, I am being my authentic self. I accept the other unconditionally. If the Other decides to walk on another path, he is not taking anything away from me. I am more because I have known him. I have learned about me in the process. My spiritual progress is gauged by my ability to see his holiness at all times. I honor and respect him in light of my own personal desires. Sometimes, I disappoint myself when I have allowed emotions to blur my sight. My sister reminds me that, “I don’t walk on water”. I tell her, “I am in my human suit doing the best I can”. I am a work in process.

I bless each person I have had the pleasure of knowing. I continue to grow with each new relationship. My strongest wish is to encourage us all to continue to reach out to others. Be available. We cannot serve the world or find true joy unless we share who we are. Happiness shared is multiplied over and over exponentially. Hold your brother’s hand. Express yourself. Allow yourself to love and receive love from everyone you meet. Be the light. Please, come out and play. There is nothing to lose unless you make it so. Show up in the world. Show off your talents. Excitement is a magnet. Passion is contagious. We are here for such a short time in relation to eternity. Let’s not waste a moment being afraid that someone may not like us or approve of our haircut. Grab your roller skates. I’ll pack a picnic. Let’s set off for the next big adventure and see what the next moon holds in store for us.

Books

My eldest was packing to return to the east coast when she groaned, “Crap, I finished my book and I don’t have another one.” I said she could borrow one of mine and she said, “thanks, mom, but I am fine just the way I am.” She had been staying in my room and the bookcase is filled with spiritual and self-help books. I did find a novel for her to borrow but it really made me think about my reading habits. How long can you spend trying to learn about how to be a better person, partner, parent or leader? Is there no end to it? I do find a new insight into my being each time I read a fresh book. I see something about others or me that I had not thought about previously.

I find myself hip deep in another lengthy book right now. In some ways I must enjoy having all of my beliefs challenged. I am ok with feeling a little lost until I can integrate new concepts into my personal paradigm. I don’t mind other people questioning me, because I am continually questioning my own thought system.

This book is stating that, in most cases, I do not really know what is in my best interest. We think we know, but only the Divine can truly see. After life’s twists and turns we come to realize that a situation was not what we thought it was. A person turns out to be someone we should not have trusted, or a job turns out to be a nightmare, or a move resulted in a life we had not anticipated. I am facing relationship choices, career choices, and location choices. How do I know what is in my best interest? I believe that it is true, I probably really don’t know. The text encourages me to have faith and to listen to my Creator. I always joke with my friends and tell them I don’t want to have to guess what the answer is; I want a burning bush. A big YES or NO on the front lawn would suit me fine.

What do I want in my life? Will these decisions bring whatever that is to me? Is my life about finding a body to sit on my sofa? Is it about making more money? Is it about achieving glory? No, at the end of the day I want peace and I want joy. Will any of the situations I am considering bring me peace and joy?

Closer to 60 than 50, I am not looking for another heart break or an unrewarding career. My pondering takes me to a place of faith and listening to my Creator. My book reminds me, that my Creator will not put me in a place of fear, limitation, poverty or pain. I am free to make the choice to be miserable but that is not the will of the Divine.  I was created to be happy. This is my function.  I trust that the burning bush I have asked for will lead me to my best interest.

The Divine created us to be content and supported by loving relationships. Are we able to receive this? Can we allow ourselves to be blissful? How many of us can give freely but cannot tolerate compliments or gifts? When we open ourselves to the abundance of the world in every direction, we allow the energy to pour through us. Our acceptance of an offering is a benefit to our fellow man. We deny our brother the pleasure of giving, if we refuse him out of our feelings of unworthiness.

I know in my heart that we can have heaven on earth. We can choose to be in alignment with our higher selves. If we wish to create a union of peace and joy, we allow ourselves to see the light in our partner. That light is shared and strengthened through our thoughts and actions. Acceptance, nonjudment and kindness.

I consistently see people my age in a place of fear about relationship. I have several girlfriends who simply say, “Never again; I am not going through that kind of pain ever.” My male friends talk about what they have lost in previous break ups: stocks, retirement, and real estate.  In our haste to protect ourselves, have we forgotten the love that we have shared over the years? Why do we choose to feel the fear and the loss? Maybe it is more difficult to talk about love, maybe it is more socially acceptable to share misery, maybe feeling only the loss justifies us withdrawing and closing our heart to everyone around us. Does this decision bring about peace and joy? Hardly. It makes us feel cold, afraid and isolated. This feeling of separateness is not Divine will.

I choose peace. I choose joy. I make a decision to remember the love shared in my past. I am in the process of forgiving myself for any blame I have bestowed on past partners because a relationship ended. It is a process, because no matter how much I think I have ferretted out any negativity, I can find it trickling up. I am ok with that. I will stay vigilant and will bring these buried thoughts to the light as they surface.

In order for us to see the light in our partner, we must see the light in ourselves. We must come to know what an amazing, unique gift we are to the universe. I know when I meet someone, if they do not love and accept themselves, there is no way they can love and accept me. When this happens, I look closer at myself because my brother is my mirror. Am I able to acknowledge all that I am? Am I willing to be as happy as my Creator intended me to be? Can I let my walls down and accept this person as he is without judgment or fear?  

My books on the shelf have served their purpose. After years and years of reading, the conclusion is simple.  It’s not complicated. Be happy. See your brother as the Divine being that he is. See yourself as the perfection that you are. Let the light shine on all of your relationships, past and present. Allow yourself the bliss you were always meant to enjoy.