I stopped writing several months ago because there were people stalking my blog in order to learn about my life, in hopes of hurting people close to me. It just boggles my mind that there are people out there that will use anything they can to control and inflict pain. I shut down the blog and then had emails to open it so that my stories could be shared.
I love writing about Montana, the friends I have, the insights I gain, the inspirations I receive.
Our thoughts and emotions always begin from a place of fear or love. I choose love. "Father, forgive them, they know not what they do." I am doing my best to practice forgiveness and acceptance. Why is it that those that purport to be holy and sinless are the first to the throw a stone?
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
Surrender
I was finished grazing Lakota and headed into the coolness of the indoor arena. Stacia, the trainer, was working with the latest arrival. I soon learned that the horse was 15 years old and recently gelded. He had attractive markings but was seriously over weight. The bay hadn’t been ridden in 10 years and someone remembered that he had a history of bucking. The owners wanted him to become a roping horse. The first step was to get him to walk safely on a lead rope. This is where the ground work started.
I was in no rush to go back to the cabin that evening. I had mowed the lawn, fed Aries and finished giving Lakota her ration of grass. I took a seat on a stool near the fence.
By the time I got in position to watch, Stacia had him walking with her on his left side. Now, she was about to start on the right. We chatted as she worked. A good number of horses have never been led, saddled, mounted or worked from the right. She picked up the lead rope and asked him to move forward. To keep herself in the “safe zone” near his shoulder, she lifted the lead with one hand while tapping on his hip with a dressage whip with the other. The first thing he did was to fling himself backward, his head went up as he tried to escape. He hit the end of the lead and then threw his body towards her. The trainer stayed consistent. She held her grip on the lead, hand up towards his face to keep him from turning into her space. She continued to reinforce the forward movement with the tap of the whip. Around and around, they went. The bay would fly into reverse, bolt towards her, try to use his shoulders to push sideways - anything to escape following her request. As I sat there, I thought this could go on all night. Stacia said this was not unusual and that the majority of the horses that came in for behavioral problems went through this to one extent or another.
As I watched them, I thought about how his life had changed. He had been out to pasture, doing as he pleased, fathering offspring and not being asked to do anything more than eat and sleep. All of a sudden, he was being told how to walk, how to behave and to put his desires aside. He was not having it. In spite of her running to keep up with his movements, her voice and her emotions remained steady.
I continued to observe his resistance. Then all at once he took a step. The trainer stopped asking and immediately pet him. She let him stand quietly while she rubbed his now sweaty head. Then slowly, she asked him to step forward. I could see him begin to back up and then change his mind. Once more he stepped forward. Again, she stopped and rewarded him. After that, he walked with her, head and neck soft on the lead as if he did this every day. What I thought would take hours, took 15 to maybe 20 minutes. Stacia had remained consistent and calm. She allowed the horse to take the time he needed to understand without giving in or rushing him. He tried all his tricks that had worked in the past. At some point, the bay must have sensed the futility and accepted her command.
The horse did not know what surrendering to the trainer would mean for him. Would this woman lead him off a cliff, would she mistreat him or starve him? Would he ever see his pasture of green grass again? He did not know her and had not learned to trust her, yet. If he traded his resistance for acceptance, what would he gain? Stacia’s tag line on her promotional material is “It’s all about Trust.” Incrementally, step by step, she earned his trust.
It wasn’t until the next day that, while I was reliving the training session in my mind, I made a connection. I could see myself as the horse. I could see my Will. I can see the way I have resisted where Life wants to take me. I am like the horse, not trusting the guide.
My desires have been my green grass. I’ve always felt if I could just try harder, learn a little more, and persevere – I could take control of my destiny. It has rarely gone that way. If it did happen, it was God’s timing, not mine.
What keeps going through me is “Thy Will be done.” It’s past time that I release my Will and let my Creator’s Will be done. I have become disillusioned with myself. My running away, hiding, pushing forward and resisting has accomplished only the accumulation of bumps and bruises. All the seeking and striving that I thought were signs of strength have left me exhausted. It’s time I face the music. If an outcome takes place, it will not be because of my trying. If an opportunity is mine, it will come to me. What I thought was quitting, may be wisdom. You can only run to the end of the lead so many times before you give in. With horses it might take 15-20 minutes, with me it has been decades.
I think it is time for me to try travelling in a different manner. I will walk softly where I am led. I will do my best to trust. I realize this is difficult for me. It does not mean I do not have dreams. I hold them in my heart. But I will let Life guide me and show me the route that is being selected for me. I will trust that it will be the path that is for the highest good of all around me. My Will left me broken and beaten. I’m ready to give up my resistance. I am learning to be led. I am surrendering to a higher power. Life picks up the lead and my heart bends to it.
Thank you, Stacia, and thank you for teaching me to trust.
I was in no rush to go back to the cabin that evening. I had mowed the lawn, fed Aries and finished giving Lakota her ration of grass. I took a seat on a stool near the fence.
By the time I got in position to watch, Stacia had him walking with her on his left side. Now, she was about to start on the right. We chatted as she worked. A good number of horses have never been led, saddled, mounted or worked from the right. She picked up the lead rope and asked him to move forward. To keep herself in the “safe zone” near his shoulder, she lifted the lead with one hand while tapping on his hip with a dressage whip with the other. The first thing he did was to fling himself backward, his head went up as he tried to escape. He hit the end of the lead and then threw his body towards her. The trainer stayed consistent. She held her grip on the lead, hand up towards his face to keep him from turning into her space. She continued to reinforce the forward movement with the tap of the whip. Around and around, they went. The bay would fly into reverse, bolt towards her, try to use his shoulders to push sideways - anything to escape following her request. As I sat there, I thought this could go on all night. Stacia said this was not unusual and that the majority of the horses that came in for behavioral problems went through this to one extent or another.
As I watched them, I thought about how his life had changed. He had been out to pasture, doing as he pleased, fathering offspring and not being asked to do anything more than eat and sleep. All of a sudden, he was being told how to walk, how to behave and to put his desires aside. He was not having it. In spite of her running to keep up with his movements, her voice and her emotions remained steady.
I continued to observe his resistance. Then all at once he took a step. The trainer stopped asking and immediately pet him. She let him stand quietly while she rubbed his now sweaty head. Then slowly, she asked him to step forward. I could see him begin to back up and then change his mind. Once more he stepped forward. Again, she stopped and rewarded him. After that, he walked with her, head and neck soft on the lead as if he did this every day. What I thought would take hours, took 15 to maybe 20 minutes. Stacia had remained consistent and calm. She allowed the horse to take the time he needed to understand without giving in or rushing him. He tried all his tricks that had worked in the past. At some point, the bay must have sensed the futility and accepted her command.
The horse did not know what surrendering to the trainer would mean for him. Would this woman lead him off a cliff, would she mistreat him or starve him? Would he ever see his pasture of green grass again? He did not know her and had not learned to trust her, yet. If he traded his resistance for acceptance, what would he gain? Stacia’s tag line on her promotional material is “It’s all about Trust.” Incrementally, step by step, she earned his trust.
It wasn’t until the next day that, while I was reliving the training session in my mind, I made a connection. I could see myself as the horse. I could see my Will. I can see the way I have resisted where Life wants to take me. I am like the horse, not trusting the guide.
My desires have been my green grass. I’ve always felt if I could just try harder, learn a little more, and persevere – I could take control of my destiny. It has rarely gone that way. If it did happen, it was God’s timing, not mine.
What keeps going through me is “Thy Will be done.” It’s past time that I release my Will and let my Creator’s Will be done. I have become disillusioned with myself. My running away, hiding, pushing forward and resisting has accomplished only the accumulation of bumps and bruises. All the seeking and striving that I thought were signs of strength have left me exhausted. It’s time I face the music. If an outcome takes place, it will not be because of my trying. If an opportunity is mine, it will come to me. What I thought was quitting, may be wisdom. You can only run to the end of the lead so many times before you give in. With horses it might take 15-20 minutes, with me it has been decades.
I think it is time for me to try travelling in a different manner. I will walk softly where I am led. I will do my best to trust. I realize this is difficult for me. It does not mean I do not have dreams. I hold them in my heart. But I will let Life guide me and show me the route that is being selected for me. I will trust that it will be the path that is for the highest good of all around me. My Will left me broken and beaten. I’m ready to give up my resistance. I am learning to be led. I am surrendering to a higher power. Life picks up the lead and my heart bends to it.
Thank you, Stacia, and thank you for teaching me to trust.
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