Head Shy

Yesterday when I was out to see my horse, she did not come when called. That will not do. “What? Lakota, you know better than that!” Within 3 minutes I had her obediently walking next to me and coming when called. She just forgot who was alpha for a minute. Anyway, I was picking up some baling twine on the ground near her and as I lifted it quickly, she jumped. I realized she thought I was going to hit her. I have owned her almost 3 years and have never smacked her. I have been working on healing the damage that someone did while “training” her, in her past. I make her obey me without striking her.


People can be a little head shy. Head shy, for non-horse people, is a term for the behavior a horse exhibits when they are trying to protect themselves. A horse may duck or run or rise up and strike, anything to keep us from getting near their head. This behavior comes from a past experience. Someone may have previously grabbed and twisted the horse’s ear or hit them in the head. It could occurred yesterday or 10 years ago. It doesn’t matter to the horse. The fear is the same. This behavior is dangerous to both the rider and the horse if left uncorrected. The horse could hurt the rider while putting on the bridle, could totally flip out on a trail ride if their head gets caught in some branches or could panic in a trailer if their halter gets stuck on the frame.


What do we do in a new relationship when we have been mishandled in the past? We may try and protect ourselves. We don’t know how this new person is going to react to things. We watch for signs. We proceed cautiously. We might duck or guard ourself a little more than we need to, at the beginning, but then trust evolves. We calm down. We relax and stretch our minds and words. Time. Consistency.

We should remember to be kind to ourselves and our new partner. I try to talk to myself the way I would to a best friend. I say, “Hey, you got bumped around and you want to be careful. It’s ok. It’s understandable. He has his memories, too.” If your mate is jumpy, let him have time and your compassion. Don’t get mad. Does it help our horse to get angry or demanding when she is scared? No. We have to get the horse past the fear in order to have a good relationship; it comes with creating confidence and trust. Communicate with your partner. Find out what is behind the apprehension. We can’t do that with our horses - that is ask them. It wouldn’t matter anyway. We have to show them what kind of trainer we are with our actions. We have to demonstrate our intention.
I think exhibiting our intentions is actually a perfect way to start a new relationship. Words come easy. Actions don’t. You can try and convince your new person that you are nothing like they  have experienced in their past. Only when you follow through and be the person you say you are, over time, will trust spring forth. Actions build a strong foundation. Be honest. Be caring. Be romantic. Be loyal. Be what you say you are.

Lakota still ducked after three years. It’s going to happen. I may shy if someone raises their voice at me. We are products of the experiences we have had. Life is our choices. Hopefully, each time we make a choice we choose wisely. If not, we learn from it and we choose again. Our horse can learn to conquer their fears, so can we.

Twenty two pounds of paint

Twenty two pounds of paint. The post man said I got my money’s worth shipping all that from New York in a large, flat rate box. There must be over a hundred tubes of oil paints that were mine and my father’s and Jim’s grandmother’s. Alizaron crimson, raw umber, thalo blue and green. I open the box and the scent transports me back in time. Linseed oil, wet canvas, tea at Joan’s. Grumbling up in the spare room as I completed yet another still life for class. Lemons, tomatoes, pitchers, bowl and crocks – all destined to a lifetime under a bed because I cant bear to throw out all that effort, but I don’t want anyone else to see.


That was 20 years ago. The girls were little. Time was short. I would paint when they were asleep. Time stood still. Lost in a palette of colors, blending, shading, thinning, stroking. When I walked in nature, I would think color combinations. My father and I would talk colors over the phone and painting techniques we had just attempted.

How would I replicate that cloud formation? Did you realize how much purple rocks have in their shadow? Reflections in the water were so much easier when you turned the canvas upside down. “Don’t keep picking at your painting. You’re done.” Years of practice were spent before the day we were allowed outside to paint a landscape. Glorious day. The whole class came to my farm. Easels set up at the barn, easels facing the front porch and easels at the pond. The scent of paints and oil mixing with manure and fresh cut grass. What an unforgettable day. The lambs and goats walked among the painters to everyone’s delight. I tried to keep the dog from knocking over the brush cans. I still have the photos as a souvenier.

Here are the paints, handed down for generations. Still waiting for the artist to make her magic. What will they become? A mountain? A lake? A field of wildflowers? If they were still with my father they would become some wild animal in a battle for its life. We used to joke him that he could not paint a scene without some animal at least peeking out like Where’s Waldo? Most often the animal was in mortal combat. My paintings were so opposite. They were tranquil and calm. It was as if I could step out of my role of being a mom, a business owner, a farmer and a wife, onto this canvas and escape into the serenity. My sister paints in crayola colors, whimsical characters and disproportioned buildings. Her paintings make me smile. They are lively and fun and break all the rules.

Where will I begin? Will I remember my training? Have I forgotten all the steps? Could I just let myself pick up a brush and stroke with abandon? Can I just play and let my heart lead me? What good were those paints doing in the basement?

All of these emotions around twenty two pounds of paint. That is a lot of magic waiting to happen. Stay tuned!

In Love

We say we want to be in love. What is it exactly? I think of it as that giddy, effervescent emotion- where you can’t concentrate; the weather seems perfect no matter how bitter; the music is all sing-alongs on the radio; you can’t wait for the phone to ring. When you look in the mirror, you say, “Damn, I’m smokin’ today!” You can listen to a bad review from your boss and it just rolls off. Life is all good. Nothing can ruin your mood.

We love the feeling of being in love, because we feel good about ourselves. Someone is attracted to us. Someone expresses affection and desire towards us. Someone is validating our existence. Everything we say is novel and unique. It stands our world on end. The feelings are intoxicating.

It is just a matter of time until this euphoria lessens. We’ve heard the stories; we’ve learned the other person’s habits; we go back to work and our routines. It does not mean we love the person less, it just means the buzz fades.

Since this is just a head game and it is all in our minds, I thought I’d play a game with it. If we have someone we love, that’s great. If we don’t, we can still play. Imagine the emotions you feel when you are in love. Just close your eyes and remember the feelings. Think back to the adrenaline rush; recall the anticipation. This is not about the person. This is about your own emotions. You choose your emotions and reactions all the time. Got it? Now walk outside with those in love vibes rushing through you. Don’t worry, no one will see them. Watch what happens. The sky is bluer. The birds sing sweeter. You feel lucky. You begin to exude happiness. If you see someone on the sidewalk, you smile. They smile back. The whole world seems brighter.

We can have this in love feeling any time. We can have it whenever we choose. Let it wash over you. Hold it for as long as you can. With practice, you can hang on to it all day. Go to sleep with it; eat with it. It is glorious and it never lessens because it is not dependent on what someone else says or does.

You are creating a vortex. Anyone that meets you now will be attracted. You are loving, enthusiastic and optimistic. You are fun and exciting; all because you started feeling in love. Try it! What do you have to lose?

The First Date

Big Arm

The search for a partner can be so complicated; blind dates, set ups by friends, on-line match making, chance encounters at parties. Those of us that are single, crave the companionship of a lover, the knowledge that someone waits for us at the end of the day, the opportunity to fuss over someone, the prospect of being all that we can be and being loved for it. We put ourselves out there, emotionally and physically, in order to create the possibility of meeting that special someone. We keep busy; we go to work; we spend time with our hobbies; we talk to family and we build a beautiful life. All the while, waiting. And what happens when we meet someone that just might be compatible?


The heart beats faster when you see him smile than it did from the trepidation you were experiencing when you walked through the door. Could it be occurring? The conversation rolls with intermittent laughter and ease. This is actually enjoyable. You forget about your clothes and your hair and all the minutia that was on your mind as you searched for a parking spot. The cotton mouth dissolves and nerves settle. This is not so bad after all. You breathe a silent sigh of relief.

After a delightful afternoon or evening, that is when it gets tricky. Will he call me again? Did I talk too much? Did I talk too little? All of the self judgments cascade onto this magical moment. Well, what about him? Were there any red flags? He said his ex didn’t trust him.  His ex believed in paranormal pheomena.  She had a horse like mine that was a pain in the butt. Is this a flag for him? Oh my gosh. All of our pasts come rushing in. By the time you are in your 50’s you have acquired some baggage. Is it a carry on or a truck load?

I read once where you should dream of falling in love with an amnesiac. A person that has no history, no memory of painful arguments or betrayal. How amazing would it be to have the innocence of a child? To delight in another person without concern for the outcome. To be able to speak your mind confidently without remembering how another trounced on your opinions. This is what we must choose with every part of our being. If we are not able to stay in the moment, to be present with this new person without the past flooding in, there will be no opportunity for a future. We cant hold back who we are in fear that we may trigger another’s past. On the same hand, we must not jump to conclusions when this person speaks to us in a way that we have heard before.

I do not want to be tried and found guilty of another person’s transgressions. Neither does the person you are learning about. Just because a person’s ex used to spend all their money, does not mean I am that way. If they like to fish, it does not mean that they will be away every weekend.

If you truly want to bring into your life all that you can imagine a companion can be, let them teach you about who they are. Don’t jump ahead and make an assumption based on your history. Be courageous. Allow yourself to be open and straightforward with what makes you tick. You have nothing to lose. If your heart has been beaten and abused, take time to heal it before venturing out with someone new. Do them a favor and yourself by healing and mending first. Go forward with a strong, confident heart and know you will always be ok. Meet potential mates with a pure spirit, untainted and serene. Your partner is your mirror, be sure you want to see what is reflected back to you.

Home

I returned home from celebrating the holidays on the east coast to find this delightful snowman welcoming me back to my little cabin. He puts a smile on my face each night when I return and see him standing stoically in the headlights. I read the sign and tumble the word home over in my mind.

I go back to a challenging time in my past when my husband and I first separated. I was in a little two room apartment, going back to college after 25 years. A sleeping bag served as the sofa and my modest groceries were stacked in cardboard boxes. My mother had helped me buy a double bed that barely fit in the room. My girls were teenagers and I was with them on weekends. One day my youngest said something that I will never forget, “Mom, you could put a stump in a hayfield and it would feel like home, because you are there.” Home is a place where you feel loved and comforted. It doesn’t matter how grand or how Spartan. Home is where you can be yourself and find peace. Home is your sanctuary.

I have been searching for a house to purchase in Montana for the past 4 years. I am looking for a place to set down roots and make a home. Then I wonder what I am truly looking for? To each of us a house may represent different things. I see it as a place for family, entertaining friends, holidays. It is a reflection of status, worthiness and security.

Is any of this true? In this recession, thousands of people have found that their house is an albatross around the neck, which is weighing them down and tying them to a place. Instead of security, it is creating financial doom. It is no longer a safe investment to be taken for granted. Do people really think less of me because I rent? Do I imagine that my siblings, my children and their families are really going to travel to Montana for the holidays?

I look around my cabin as I write on another cloudy, Sunday morning. The snow is gently falling and I see my snowman smiling at me from across the drive. The cats and dog are curled up near the wood stove. My Christmas tree is on her last day. The scent of pumpkin spice candles burning and coffee brewing, fill the air. My beloved paintings, photographs and cookbooks surround me.

I cannot say that I felt more at home at my mother’s or my sister’s. There is no family homestead to congregate. I am at home in my heart with my family because they love me. It is not the house or the decorations. I always wanted to provide a place to return for my daughters, a place filled with memories and love. This has not occurred. Not in the way I had planned. We come together and make wherever we meet, home.

I am at peace here and find comfort in these cabin walls. I will be here as long as it serves me on my path. My freedom is that I can move to another place in 30 days. This is my home for now. Home is a place I will take with me; I will create and share. My home is not in the east, in a house, it truly is wherever I go.