Colors

St. Mary's on the way home last night



I returned last night from a True Colors training http://www.true-colors.com


My co-worker and I are now certified facilitators for this program. I knew a little about this material but now I am a flag waving enthusiast. This is the type of workshop that everyone in a relationship and everyone that really wants to be an effective leader should attend. If you have read The Five Love Languages, Mars/Venus, Birth Order or any of the many books out there on how to communicate more effectively with others, you would love this. If you haven’t read any of those books and you just don’t care about how to communicate - because you are always right - then you really need to look at this material.

I love the way the universe provides the perfect information at the ideal time. My desire is to help others and myself to maintain peaceful, fulfilling relationships. These interactions can be with our lover, our family or in our workplace. The colors information has allowed me to find a quick, easy to use method for helping others. This work is based on scientific research beginning with Hippocrates in 400 B.C, all the way through Jung, Kiersy, Myers-Briggs and Lowry.

There are four major personality types. In this program, they are simplified into colors. It is so easy to use, that it works for students and teachers, athletic teams and coaches, spouses and children. We learned what each color needs to feel “brightened” and what things cause stress. It’s amazing how each personality has such unique needs. We know these things; we see them every day but here it was in black and white.

We all have all four colors. Some of the colors dominate and when we are stressed we fall back into this dominant color. During the training, we were able to observe the “out of esteem” behavior. That was eye opening to me. What I need to feel better when I am stressed is totally different than my ex-partner. One person needs space to process and the other needs closeness and comforting. What causes stress for one person can be healing for the other. If we understand the differences before a situation arises, then we can be there for the other person in the way that they need and not the way that comes natural to us. If we keep doing what we think is best, and of course it is the opposite of what they need, it eventually leads to separation and the ending of relationship that had huge potential.

I learned so much about myself. Of course, I have two equally dominant colors. I laugh because I never do one thing at a time. My tendency to be nurturing, caring and compassionate is equal to my risk taking, adventurous, out of the box, spontaneous self. I want to be close with someone but if I feel locked in or trapped, I rebel. I am loyal to a fault in relationship but my adventurous side needs to have fun, explore and find excitement together. That was pretty neat. I feel my unconventional side has been stuffed a long time. In my upbringing, in my previous life in NY, in my job – the rebel has not been appreciated, so I learned to bury it. It is my creative self, the self that is filled with bold ideas, innovative solutions and new ways of solving challenges. It’s time I allow that part of me more freedom.

I see that in my last partnership, the attraction was from sharing our two secondary colors; the fun loving, spontaneous, adventurous side. This was powerful. Then we both went through extremely stressful situations in our individual lives. We each fell into our primary color as a way to cope. These primary colors were not understood and needed opposing actions to find peace and harmony. One color blocked communication in order to process. One color needed communication to feel connected. If only we had known.

A huge chasm was created unnecessarily. An unfortunate ending took place.

I’ve been allowed to see this for what it is. I am a communicator. I always will be. It is important for me to express these thoughts. I hope it helps someone else on this path.

As an addendum, there was a woman at the training that had opposing values and stressors to mine. What really intrigued me was that I drove her crazy. She was so rigid in her thoughts and beliefs that she saw me as anarchy and irreverence. Any words out of my mouth intimidated her and caused her to cringe. No matter how the facilitator tried to question and encourage her to look at her own issues, she was unable. She was totally convinced that everyone should change to suit her needs. It was really comical. Here we were learning how to help people see each other’s individuality, to value all the colors and she could not break down her walls.


You have to want to see other people for who they are in order to have this information make a difference. You have to want to communicate. You have to see the value in learning how to lead, to inspire, to heal and to motivate others. You have to want to. Anyone that clings to their color and finds it superior, uses their color to defend their actions or refuses to acknowledge the qualities of other people is never going to be all that they can be.

Marmot and Bear

I'd like to announce the beginning of my new children's book Marmot and Bear. I feel inspired to write a book for parents to read with their children that will encourage discussion around social skills and etiquette. I am seeing more and more young people that are ignorant of basic table manners and how to engage in polite conversation. In educational circles, these abilities are called “soft skills”. Business owners are complaining that new employees have not been trained in these areas. Soft skills were taught in the home and reinforced at school in the past. Somewhere along the line, this education has been lost. Marmot and Bear will address a few of these areas in a fun setting. I hope you join me on my newest blog. I will be illustrating these stories and get my artistic juices flowing again. Stay tuned!

Inner Peace

While I was contemplating the two trees from my previous blog, I was reminded once more about the differences between men and women and the way we interact in the world. If the outer world is a reflection of our inner life, what is going on inside of us? Thinking about what masculine energy is and what feminine energy is and how it is demonstrated in society, made me reconsider a few beliefs I have created over time. Historically how has that changed in our culture and in my own life?


As far as historians can ascertain, centuries ago society was based on a matriarchal system. This is true in many indigenous tribes and in our European backgrounds with the Celts and Druids. The Divine Feminine was honored and respected in one form or another from Greece and India to North America and Africa. She was revered as the source of all life and sustenance. Women held positions of power and authority over their clans. Their intuition and healing were valued among their people.

In the past 2,000 years we have been ruled by a patriarchal society. The men have been conditioned to obey and follow the example of their fathers- to deny their emotions, to trust science over their own knowing, to follow commands without reflection and that might makes right. Women have been taught to be subservient, to martyr and limit themselves.  Instead of a society based on cooperation and compassion, the world has become a place of competition and struggle. Women have been considered weak, disregarded and unintelligent. It was only within the last 200 years, that women have risen above the rank of chattel.

What does that say about the conflict that persists within our being? I once thought that being dominant and assertive was a man’s role. I was mistaken; it is a component of the masculine energy which is in both men and women. Just as at times, we do not value our partner’s opinions or actions because they are “just like a guy” or “all women do that”, are we doing that to ourselves?

My mind and my heart have been in conflict many times. When I have a decision to make, I can hear myself say, “I feel this way” or “My heart tells me…” My intellect and brain may be giving me all the statistics and the logical reasons why those emotions are wrong. My outer world reflects my inner world. My thought process has been that one of these energies must win and the other lose. If my intellect is my masculine and my emotions my feminine energy, can they live in harmony inside of me? Can I respect and honor both of them for the insights that they bring me? As a union, they give to me a complete and whole perspective of the world. My life becomes peaceful and comes to me with ease when I am completely accepting of all that I am, all of the energies that make me who I am. I am not strictly one energy or another. I am all.

I own my masculine driven, powerful, dynamic self and I cherish my feminine compassionate, sensitive, nurturing self. I encourage everyone to look deep inside and see if there is an element of you that you fear, banish, run away from or criticize. It may have something to teach you. It is not possible to be fully in relationship with another on the outside if you have not resolved the conflict between your masculine and feminine energies. If you have not possessed totally and come to honor the feminine inside of you,  you will disrespect that energy in your partner. If you are not capable of admiring and cherishing the masculine energy in yourself, you will not see the beauty of it in your mate. Love yourself entirely and wholly, love your mate the same. Accept all, be all. We are perfect and complete.

Respect

I think this one speaks for itself. I just love it.

Two Trees

I have been walking the dirt road that leads past my cabin for years now. At the top of the hill are two trees, an aspen and a tamarack, that live side by side in an inspiring relationship. I can’t help but wonder how long they have been together – 30 years? 40 years? Maybe 50. They grow in concert as if to say, “Look at us, see how it is done.” The aspen is so beautiful with its yellow leaves rattling from outstretched iridescent branches. The tamarack is stark in its comparison. The rough bark is black and needles short and pointed. He is tall and majestic. They appear more striking in combination than if they grew separately.


The couple has given up the inside branches between them to allow each other space to grow, reaching instead into the expansiveness that surrounds them. The two trees complement each other, the light against the dark, the smooth, golden leaf adjacent to the soft, green needle. Simultaneously, they reach towards the sky, ever supporting each other, ever accepting. They have chosen to be here, as a pair, for eternity, growing in communion with all of nature.

It makes my heart sing to see two such different trees live in unison and harmony for so long. Is it possible to make a life with another person whose personality is so foreign to your own? Can two people accept each other’s differences and instead of finding fault with those distinctive characteristics, revel in their uniqueness? It is like a football team with players possessing different skills. How successful would they be if they were all quarterbacks? Why do we want our mate to be just like us? To think like us? Behave like us? Have opinions like ours? Why is it so difficult to allow each other those spaces to grow and evolve individually? Would the aspen make the tamarack wrong for having needles? Is the tamarack superior due to his size?

We must allow our partner to reach out into his own world, to bring back experiences that nourish him. It does not mean leaving, it means continuing to grow and reach into our own world to bring back something meaningful that feeds the relationship. These trees remind me of my favorite passage from Kahlil Gibran’s The Prophet. I read this passage on Marriage at my brother’s wedding. This is how I imagine a perfect union.

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.

You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.

Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another but make not a bond of love:

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

Cabin musings

Even though I fuss about the cabin at times, there are so many things I do love about it. That must be why I am still here. What started out as a two  month stay, is now into its fifth winter. Let me add, it is a very long winter. I love that it is on a dirt road, on 40 acres, with no one else around. All I hear outside are the birds, cattle or an occasional horse whinnying. I can let the cats and dog out without the need for a leash or putting on my boots. There are bears in the apple trees, deer in the yard eating my shrubs - darn it- turkeys and coyotes. I dont need a lot of furniture and life is simple. It is affordable and I dont have to worry about not being able to pay my rent. I am not weighed down by a hefty mortgage or trapped in an upside down house. I am free to leave, if ever I get the whim. I am still not sure what I want to do when I grow up except for one thing. I will always write. I dream of Montana in the summer and someplace warm in the winter. It is ironic that when I was a kid, I thought only old people get tired of winter. That wasnt that long ago, was it? I picture myself on a red cliff overlooking a vista of wide open spaces while I write in a leather travel journal. I feel the heat rise off the sand and the wind caresses my ears in a loving fashion. I wonder about the native peoples that lived in these cliffs and wrote their stories on the walls. I will do my part in that age old tradition of story telling as I put pen to paper. I must snap out of this dream of warm winter days down south and go put more wood in the stove. It's going to be another cold one.

"Okay, I must love it"

I love to read as much as I love to write, which is a lot. Before I go to sleep I always read and a few lines will often linger in my mind and ruminate all night. Gary Douglas wrote in his book Money isn’t the Problem, You Are that all you have to do is look at your life to see what you are creating. If something keeps showing up, it’s because there is something about this situation that you love to create. Gary says to acknowledge what it is by saying, Okay, I must love it, I don’t know why, but okay, I love it. Once you acknowledge that you are creating this, you can change it. I’ve been mulling over this statement for several days now.


Sunday mornings are divine for this type of introspection. No alarm. No schedule. I lie in my flannel sheets, cozy in my bed and through the pale gray of dawn, see the snowflakes float by my window. I squeeze the statement through my filters and let it permeate into the recesses of my psyche. Is this true? Am I truly creating this absence of a partner? This financial restriction? This drafty cabin on a mountainside in Montana? What is it I love about it? Be honest with myself. Let it seep in.

I love my freedom. I love being able to get up, throw on a sweatshirt, stoke up the fire, put on the coffee and write when I am inspired to write. I love to eat what I want, buy what I want and exercise when I want. I am the Queen of my castle. No judgments, no expectations, no distractions. I did not realize I was harboring those feelings. I have recently joined an online dating service. How do I see that playing out? How do I see a man fit into my life? Can we know? Is it possible to plan for all the contingencies? I don’t think so.

In my previous life, up until yesterday….just kidding….men equal control. Men equal boundaries and fencing me in. Men equal having to change myself to meet someone else’s expectations. This showed up in my contemplation this morning. Talk about an Irish Catholic upbringing. Isn’t it amazing what we can dredge up if we really take the time to see what is simmering under the surface? Now what to do with this revelation?

I can have it all. I can love my desire for independence and share my life with the right man. The women in my lineage have martyred themselves to hold the relationship together. That is where I run away screaming. I have done that and it does not suit me. I become a person that I do not know. If I give away my power and my brilliance, I am pathetic. I have a friend who says, “There is nothing worse than a wimpy Aries.”

If we are going to travel down the road of, “what makes us tick?” Why when a relationship breaks up, do we feel we lost something or that the person took something from us? What is that exactly? Is it our time? What else would we have been doing? Is it our love? Do we have a limited amount to share and now there isn’t enough to have for retirement? I am guilty of the same emotions but I am questioning the validity. If we are not the one initiating the end of a relationship, we may feel despair, foolish or humiliated but what did we actually lose? If we lost respect for ourselves, that is our own self judgment. For me, I started down the path of self doubt. I doubted my ability to make correct decisions about people. I didn’t trust that I could avoid that “hit by a truck” feeling again. I had to wake up and see that I am still me. I am still the honest, loving, open person I have always been. I am responsible for my own actions, no one else’s. Just like driving on a country road, we can’t avoid all the pot holes. I have to go back to my own stories like The Red Rabbit and the White Rabbit. I will perpetually be the rabbit that wants out of the cage, even at the peril of getting too close to the road or snagged by a coyote, in order to munch on spring grass and sprint across the meadow.

I am a more multifaceted and grounded person as a result of my relationships. I have grown to have deep affection for myself. I see my role in the exchanges I have had and take responsibility for my actions. Each person I meet adds to my wealth of experiences and my complexity.

I see my archaic beliefs about men and un-create them now. They are no longer welcome here. I trust me and my ability to be in the world. I am never losing anything by being in relationship; I am more.

Rainy Drive

The drizzle soon turned to a steady downpour. The droplets fell from my brim of my hat like a funnel onto the saddle horn and then across my thighs beading up on the oilskin of my coat. The collar of my fleece was zippered snug to keep the wind from traveling down the base of my neck. The bottom edge of my coat directed the water to the lower half of my jeans and soaked my boots. As we pushed the cattle farther up the mountain, the steam rose off their backs with such intensity it created an eerie fog among the pine trees. I thought at any moment a hobbit would emerge from this mystical setting. A single cow was hell bent on turning on Chica, the aussie we used to set the pace. One newly born calf was a member of this troupe, born out of season and soon to face a rough Montana winter. He tumbled at one point over a rock outcropping, swept over by the sea of bovine. The calf quickly bounced up and ran through the forest of black legs to reunite with his mother.


The heifers had to be moved to one pasture and the cows and calves to another. The muck, the streams and the old weathered gates were features of the landscape that arose out of the cloud that now laid low across the valley. The moment I held my breath was when the bulls from the two different herds caught sight of each other across the barbed wire as the groups crossed paths along a narrow pass. The bulls bellowed and stomped as we rushed to keep them under motion. The size of these majestic creatures was incredible as I compared them to my horse. "Just keep yelling and pushing". Rush them -loping up rock, around gopher holes, down into the mud- just keep them moving forward. Once back on the trail, herds separated, time to relax and let them walk.

Back at the house, kahlua in a hot cup of coffee, steak and potatoes, lively conversation and tons of horse stories. I am so blessed and grateful.

That was yesterday. I cant wait to see what shows up today. Lovin' life!

Fog

The beauty of a foggy morning on Foys Lake. Sometimes I hear my mind say, "Really? Another foggy, drizzly day?" Then I see this and it reminds me to be so grateful for everyday, with or without sunshine. 

Buying a ticket

Ok, I'll admit it. I just joined an on-line dating service. I guess it has been about two weeks. What an experience. There are 40 million people who have tried on line dating. Stats say 20% of people meet on line and end up in committed relationships. I guess you cant win if you dont buy a ticket. I am giving this a three month try. There seems to be a stigma around this type of meeting and I am not sure why. Something needs to shift in my life - a man, a house, my job - something. I feel like I have been on hold, waiting, for over a year and I'm done with that.

I've always been the type that thought that when the time was right and the stars aligned, I would just run into "him".  It happened that way for me with my last boyfriend.

After two weeks of having daily matches sent to my inbox, including my ex,  I am inspired to start a new service. My marketing background kicks in and I have to say, "Hey, guys, please proof read your profiles!!!" I feel that I could rewrite profiles and make some good money. I could market these men much better than they do. I mentioned this to some of my girlfriends, just in case I am totally off target and they agreed.

• Enough with the fish. Every man has a photo of him with a fish. Unless you are trying to catch cats, I'd say do away with this. Women dont really care how big your fish is, only other guys do.  Women  envision you gone every weekend in your boat with your buddies drinking beer.
• Your call name. Think about what  you are trying to say to a woman. LoverBoy? Woody4you?  Hunglikeabuffalo? Seriously. What are you trying to attract -  another bovine? If that is what you are looking for - go for it. No woman that I know would respond.
• Get a friend to take your photo. If all you have is a photo of you in front of your computer or you in front of your bathroom mirror, it does not speak highly of your number of friends or social events.
• Get a haircut and trim your beard. Unless you want a woman that looks like she crawled out from under a rock, do a little grooming.
• Use spell check on your computer and then paste it into your profile. The misspellings are atrocious.

I have met a few really nice people so far. I am in exploration mode. I acknowledge my uncertainty about moving on and have more than a little trepidation. I also feel the excitement of a potential relationship. There is nothing worse than a wimpy Aries, a friend of mine tells me. Get out there and jump back into the game.

Pray but keep your feet moving. None of us know what lies around each corner. I am in the place of allowing and will see what I can co-create with the universe.

What happened to the honeymoon?

I listened to a radio interview tonight with Bruce Lipton. Bruce is an American developmental biologist, who is best known for promoting the idea that genes and DNA can be manipulated by a person's beliefs.


Bruce explained how the mind, comprised of two parts, determines the quality of our life: The conscious mind, which has wishes, desires, and creativity; the subconscious mind, which is equivalent to a record and playback device with programming from instincts and learned experiences. The subconscious is almost completely made up of our beliefs that were formed when we were less than 7 years old.

He described the honeymoon phase of a relationship and what happens eventually. It was quite an eye opener for me and I bet it would be for a lot of people. It made so much sense.

When we fall in love with someone or something, it's the only time we keep our conscious mind in the present moment. If we can just pay attention, bring conscious mind into the moment and focus on what is right and possible right NOW, this is the field of love. When you focus on the field of love in the moment, EVERYTHING becomes heaven on earth. We all know that feeling. We can’t keep our hands off each other; we are creating more and more beautiful moments together. It just gets better and better. We are in total bliss. What happens?

When we get busy, return to our jobs and life’s stresses - we let our subconscious slip in. We take our eye off the ball. Instead of staying in the moment and speaking to each other from that field of love, we react to a question or comment from our beloved with an answer that comes from a recording made by a 7 year old – our subconscious. If our parents had been critical or made us feel unworthy, we recorded that as a child. When we are not being in the NOW, we can interpret our beloved’s comment incorrectly. We may respond just the way our parents did or the way we did as a child. Our partner wonders where the heck did that reaction come from and the conflict begins.

The minute that we lose consciousness and the Now, we lose the honeymoon. We lose both people being fully present and aware. Our field of love becomes barren and a waste land. The only way to keep this from happening is to change the subconscious recording through repetition. We must fall in love with ourselves and practice staying in the moment.

Twenty Twenty hindsight is so clear. All we can do is learn, grow and try again.