Bedtime Stories for Grownups hits the press !

Bee

I was taking time to smell the roses under my window, when I saw a little bee lying very still in the middle of the blossom. It was early in the morning and I thought maybe he had passed away during the night. I was a bit sad but I had to admit, he had selected a lovely place to transition. He looked so soft and fuzzy that I was compelled to touch him gently with my finger. Much to my surprise, he stretched his legs and rolled over. He was sleeping! Maybe he was just not a morning person. Bees have roles: workers, queens, nurses and builders. I am guessing he did not appreciate the early shift. This adorable little guy was lying in the sun, nestled in a bed of pollen, intoxicated by the fragrance.

Even in nature, the tiniest of beings are able to enjoy life’s pleasures. Thank you, Mr. Bee, for appreciating the roses I have planted and enjoying them as much as I do.

Weed Management

I had never given weeds a second thought before moving to Montana. In the landscape/garden center business, weeds were an inconvenience in a lawn or flower bed that needed eradicating. Simple enough. As county agent in Montana, as soon as the snow melts, weeds take center stage in my work. Phone calls asking how to control them, office visits to identify them, farm calls to help educate on over grazing and hay inspections to insure that weeds do not get into the wilderness areas we cherish. Invasive species threaten to make grazing impossible for livestock, clog the waterways and overtake native vegetation.

As I walk Aries each evening along our dirt road, I have decided to take on the weeds that are doing their best to encroach into our territory. I removed the flowers from the houndstongue a week or so ago. These attractive blossoms will mature into the cockleburs that stick to clothes, dogs and deer in an effort to proliferate across the region. Yesterday, I started on the thistle. Along the shoulder are both bull-thistle and the Canadian thistle. I used my long handled loppers to reach past their thorny protection to cut them off at the base. Each flower will produce thousands of seeds if not eliminated. I was feeling a sense of accomplishment until I came to an enormous patch on a hillside below an old garage. Thistles in all sizes and stages poked up through the long grass. I started at the base of the hill and hacked away at each enemy one at a time. The feeling of futility began descending over me as I reviewed my progress. That is when I thought of what I recommend to all my clients. "Think in terms of a weed management plan." It may take years to actually eliminate all the weeds. It takes time and perseverance, patience and commitment. It is a process. There is no "silver bullet." The seed bank for some of these weeds may stay viable for 20 years. Just when you think you have them licked, a stalk appears to your dismay. "Stay with it." Do the best you can a little at a time.

I changed my strategy for that patch. I set my attention on taking out the largest plants that were closest to blossoming. I will remain vigilant of that area. I will take out each successive generation as it pokes up through the grass. It is a process.

This awareness brought me back to a situation I am dealing currently with in my life. I am always looking to know myself on a deeper and deeper level. A book was suggested to me that I read last week. I saw things about me that rocked my sense of Self. I will delve into the particulars in a future post but in brief a quality that I had been raised to value, I realized was actually detrimental to my relationships. Helping too much, working too hard and self sacrificing can be damaging to true intimacy. What is ironic, is that these traits were applauded in my family and were a a major building block of my identity. When I considered who I was in the world without these actions, I had no idea. I had to start all over and allow new understandings to enter my consciousness. This path of self discovery is a process. As I ask the Universe for more awareness and more insight, it is shown to me. It is not always pleasant. Growing pains can hurt sometimes. There is no silver bullet. There is no instant enlightenment. I am accepting that I will always be watchful of weeds that poke up in my meadow. I have a seed bank of over 50 years that is sure to germinate when the time is right. I will stay mindful and accept them with gratitude as the means to go even deeper into my self exploration. I may never completely eradicate all the weeds but I have a management plan.

Other

It's been one of those weeks when the weather changes within minutes from sun to rain, from calm to wind, from cloudy to clear blue sky. This afternoon, I left the house with my sunglasses on and by the time I traveled the 12 miles to the barn, it was sprinkling. Lakota was whinnying and anxious to have her daily walk. Since her injury, this is the only time she leaves her stall. Last night, I had chosen to go out with friends and she remained confined to her pen. I donned my old sweatshirt, put her halter on and we made our way into the pasture. She eagerly tore at the fresh grass and alfalfa. Nipping at the seed heads of the orchard grass, I could tell she was thoroughly enjoying her snack. I take this opportunity to walk her and allow her to stretch her legs. Lakota's back foot will take months to grow a new hoof. I cannot risk her twisting her leg and straining a tendon, so hand walking is how she will spend this summer. No turn out. The light sprinkle turns into a soft drizzle. I bring my hood over my head and wait it out. Lakota is taking such pleasure in her green smorgasbord that it makes me smile. It makes me happy to see her happy. Thirty minutes in a summer shower never hurt anybody.

I am well aware of how important the focus on Self is to an individual and to a relationship. On the same hand, is the recognition of Other. I am not sure if taking Lakota out for her stroll brings me more joy or her. When I can please someone that I love, it makes me happy. I am doing it for my Self, also. Anyone that has children, knows the gratitude we feel when we are able to give our child something that they desired. The giving touches our heart. It allows us to expand inside. It doesn't mean we are denying Self to please another. If I know my sibling, or lover or child loves strawberry cake and I bake it for them, am I giving up Self? I think not. I may actually be being Self-ish. It brings me as much pleasure as them. It is important to allow others to do for us and to receive from them. We deny them the chance to feel that expansion of the heart if we cannot accept freely and be gracious.

Giving and receiving is an energetic flow. Back and forth, in and out. It is funny how many people have a hard time letting anyone do for them. I have been guilty of this. Lakota reminds me how wonderful it feels to give and to receive. Our animals bring us satisfaction simply by being near us. Is it so hard to fathom that we could bring that kind of contentment to another human being? Are we able to recognize our own unique value and contributions? If we can see our worth, it may make it easier to for us to allow others to fulfill our wishes without second guessing the intention. We understand how it feels to give to the Other. It is a fine balance to focus on Self and still tend to the Other. Only in relationship can we know who we really are. In a void, we are no-thing.

I will continue to take Lakota on her walks for the next several months. It will get hot and of course buggy. It is inconvenient at times. I do it because I love her and it brings me pleasure. I could easily leave her in her stall to mend but that would sit heavy on my heart. I am thinking of Self and Other. I hope to get her here behind the cabin soon. Until then, we walk together.

photo by Nicole Tavenner

Learning Through the Grapevine | Flathead Beacon

Learning Through the Grapevine | Flathead Beacon

Simple

I woke at 5:00 a.m. and begged my body to go to sleep. It is a well deserved day off and time to rest. Yet, the birds are singing and the sky is a mixture of peaches and butter. I make the coffee, pull my fuzzy sweatpants up under my nightgown, throw on a jacket and head outside. It is a brisk 48 degrees. The clouds are rolling in as I sit down in the sunny corner of the porch with my cup of steaming brew. The hummingbirds compete for the warm solution I have just prepared. Two feeders full and still they jostle each other for position.

I watch my bluebirds take turns feeding their young. I chuckle to myself when I think back to three years ago when I had a decision to make to move to Missoula or stay in the cabin with my current job. The sign for me to stay was that the bluebirds took up residency in the house I had placed out my kitchen window. All my life in New York, I had wanted to have bluebirds and here in this field I had prepared a place and they had come. It had turned out to be the best career choice for me.

The bluebirds move almost rhythmically in and out of the house. First one, then the other. Their focus is simple and clear. Maintain the species. They build the nest, lay the eggs, rear the young. It's off to warmer climates for the winter and then the cycle repeats. The male is perched on the fence post observing me type as I make my best attempt to peer into his brain. He is being a bluebird. How wonderfully peaceful. He is not worried about where he will go this winter; he is not worried that his mate will not like something he said; he is not rehashing his childhood. He is just being a bluebird.

How did human life get so complex? Why do we seem to go out of our way to make things complicated? Why is it that we feel we have to have the newest car, have the best house, attain the right career, create the most elaborate identity to feel complete? We have the ability to take a relationship  and question its validity to the point of dissolution. Are we ever satisfied? Can we finally rest once any of these things have been achieved? Is there a way to simplify? Can we just relax and breathe in life as it comes?

My oldest daughter used to say, when we were camping, "What else could anyone ever want?" We had our tent, our horses and good food. I had to agree. We'd read books by the fire at night and relive our expedition of the day. I feel that way about living in this cabin. For the first few years, I kept feeling that I should buy a house. It was the first year of the recession of 2008. Real estate was tanking. It has been five years and I am still here. My life is simple in this space. No television, no newspaper, sometimes a radio. There are only six houses on this dirt road. The only sounds are the birds and the wind as it rattles the leaves of the aspens.

The job I currently have, necessitates that I am continually barraged by phone calls, client consults and farm visits. I am grateful to be of service but it is a drain to my system. At the end of the day, it is the simplicity of the cabin that brings me peace and recharges me. I sit here on my porch with my hair askew, wearing my glasses and my fuzzy clothes over and under my pajamas. I am alone and content in this hideaway. My flowers are waving a gentle "good morning" as the rooster crows across the canyon. Thank you, blue bird, for reminding me how simple life can be. On this delicious day off I will not concern myself with tomorrow's projects or my past experiences. I will revel in the sunshine, the hawk that has just appeared over my head and the simple pleasures of life.

Self

I watched a movie a couple days ago on a rainy, Sunday afternoon. The lead was played by an actress born and raised here in Kalispell, MT. The story is about a happily (?)  married woman who falls in love with another man. She tries to fight it but eventually leaves the husband to move in with the lover. What was so well portrayed is her life ended up exactly the same as it was with the first man as with the second. How poignant? Sure, there was the passion and romance of the beginning but after a period of time they were sitting on the couch watching television, reading a paper, and she was baking the same muffins in the oven. After all of the turmoil and upheaval, how far had she gotten? Was she really happier?

One of my favorite books of all time is Neale Donald Walsch's Conversations with God. I can read this series endlessly for some reason. The themes in the book were beautifully acted out in this movie. Relationships fail when we are focused on the other. "What is the other doing, having, saying, wanting, demanding, thinking, planning, expecting?" The message to take away is that it doesn't matter. What matters is who we are being in relationship to all of that.  The concern of each person should be on Self.

If a person does not love them self then they will feel that no one can really love them. They will feel that you are trying to manipulate them or get something from them, because they cannot accept the love being offered. No matter how you say it or how often, it will never be enough. It is not possible to feel truly loved until you fall in love with yourself. It is also not possible for you to love another totally until you know your own worth.

I think of the main character in the movie. She felt the new man would make her world complete. What was she doing to feel fulfilled? What was she doing to bring happiness into her own world? She said she wanted to be a writer but when asked why she wasn't writing, she had no answer. Her husband was following his passion and working on making his dream come to fruition. She wandered aimlessly with an empty heart. She was looking to her husband and then her lover to bring the things to her that she was not willing to do for herself. I wondered how many years would this partnership last before she became disillusioned with the latest man? Then what? Would she jump to the next man that offered her fun and excitement?

I am not saying that people should stay in relationships that are abusive or detrimental. How many times though does the grass look greener on the other side? How many times are we looking at others to bring us joy, happiness, comfort? Can we see that relationship is an opportunity to be all of these things but we must be willing to provide for ourselves first?

I have friends that just cannot accept the wonderful people that they are. They do not see their own light. They are generous, kind, sweet and gentle but they do not recognize it. They are looking at the physical structure in the mirror and finding it lacking. I say, "Look inside, look deeper." Find that loving Spirit that the rest of us see. Be content. Know yourself.

I hope there is a sequel so I can see if this lady ever finds herself and discovers true contentment with her companion.

Just me

In my attempt to consider what I bring to a relationship, I began pondering who I am. Everything I could use to define myself was so confining. I thought about the color personality types. I had labeled myself a blue -warm, sensitive and secondly an orange - independent, creative type. Then I looked at my life. I am extremely gold - organized and structured in my job managing the budget for the department and handling all of the grants . In the family, I was the one who insisted on keeping holiday traditions and cleaned houses for a living - both gold traits. I use the green - logical, scientific side of me in my research and teaching of plant physiology. I am the whole palette, we all are.I mulled over my astrological data. I am all the signs and all of the planets. I am fire; I am earth; I am water; I am air. My sun sign does not define me. I am my transits, my yods, my trines. I am the earth of my rising sign, the fire of my moon and the air of my 10th house.
I am an indoor person in my passion of cooking,watching movies, reading and writing. I am an outdoor person in my love of horses, camping, the forests and exploring. I am a nurturer. I am a disciplinarian. I am a teacher. I am a student. I am an extrovert at my profession and an introvert when I get home. I can be proper. I can be a vamp. I am a PhD. I am a bar wench. I am independent. I long to have someone to lean on. I am an expert. I am a rookie. I am all of these. 
I am an unlimited being. I can find no words to describe myself completely. I am continually striving to be more than I knew. What I was yesterday, I may not be tomorrow. I have incarnated to live and experience. I have ridden the pendulum swing in many areas of my life. I am me. I guess that will have to do for now.

photo by Nicole Tavenner

Weeds

In my profession as extension agent I am asked questions about weeds every day. Residents tell me they have weeds in their lawns, weeds in their pastures, weeds in their driveways and gardens. They've tried pulling and spraying but they still have a problem. Once they get rid of one weed, another type invades. I ask them to tell me what they want there. In a perfect world, what do they see growing there? Is it a pasture of grass and alfalfa, a long expanse of groomed turf or bursts of showy flowers? It is one thing to eliminate a problem but if you leave the soil bare and just hope that something beneficial will establish itself there without any assistance, you'll just end up with another problem. Something will grow there for sure; it will be what can out-compete anything else. This is most certainly an invasive weed. You must be willing to plant and nurture what you do want, to help it be successful.

When we look at our lives and the people around us, do we ever take a moment to think about what we see? Do we see problems, obstacles, disappointments? Is it weeds or is it what we envisioned? What are we actively doing to create the life we dreamed? What are we planting? How are we caring for it?

There are people who feel haunted by their situations and feel there are no other options. They are unwilling to cultivate their hearts desire. They don't like the weeds but the just don't want to do what it takes to produce a beautiful alternative. It takes effort and intention. It takes focus and energy to make things happen. Sometimes there is a price to pay. Sometimes there is discomfort and inconvenience.

If you are not willing to do what it takes to bring about a beneficial change, become satisfied with the weeds, for that is all that will grow.

Purpose

I remember the early years of my marriage, when we worked tirelessly on building a home, raising our daughters and planning the future. For decorating ideas we looked at books and magazines, went to home shows, traveled and did a lot of sketching. For years I kept a folder of the clippings and photos we had collected, all of our dreams yellowed and crumpled but still there. I saw the red kitchen with the brick wall that had inspired our red countertops. Our Italian tile had been placed to replicate the look of old polished stone. My husband and I loved the old bed and breakfasts and country inns of Massachusetts and Vermont. Our furniture and antiques reflected those cozy evenings spent by a fire sipping scotch. We had a sense of purpose.

As the years flew by, our world revolved around the girl's sports, dancing, birthday parties, homework and vacations. We did our best to maintain a structured household in spite of an often chaotic seasonal business. The family ate healthy food and had an "old fashioned" set dinner schedule. Our purpose was to raise happy, healthy, successful young women in a loving home.

Our purpose was not discussed. I guess it was implied in everything we did. Maybe it was our age, this is what people do when they are just starting out in their 20's. Well, they did back then. They dream; they create; they build.

So many marriages disintegrate after the children are raised. At Cornell, there were freshman crying all the time about their parents splitting up. They had no idea there was a problem at home. A friend visited me yesterday and was discussing a marriage in the midst of dissolving. The child will be graduating in a year and then there will be no reason to continue, according to this source. The same thing happened in my life. There are thousands of different twists and flavors of the story but the ending is the same.

I have been single a long time now. I have been seeking the company and partnership of an intimate relationship. Reading the statistics and listening to "experts" is hardly confidence building material. I question why so many relationships fall apart. Many may have been entered into for the wrong reasons, yes - this should be examined. Maybe there is also a spiritual or energetic contract that was meant to be temporary, not permanent. The partnership fulfilled the goal and then it faded away, no fault, we simply did not understand the deeper reasons. Then again, I wonder about the role of Purpose.

When two people are united by a common goal or dream, it can be a glue that cements them more firmly. It gives each a reason to set aside their own petty irritations. The couple feel that they are headed in the same direction. There will be trade-offs and challenges, but the thrill of accomplishment will be shared by both equally. A purpose allows the opportunity for shared discussion, dreams and efforts. My question to myself is this possible later in life? What would that look like?

If a relationship between individuals is entered into with just companionship as a goal, I wonder if this is enough. If both people have separate careers, hobbies, friends and lifestyles and they decide to make a home together, what are the chances of survival? If the shared goal is finite, like creating a not-for-profit business or building a community center, it seems to me that the partnership would likely have an ending.

Could a spiritual path towards Enlightenment serve as Purpose? Could two people support each other's journey no matter where that road might take them? On this Earth there is no completion. Would each recognize their role as mirror to each other. Could each see themselves reflected in their partner? Relationship can serve as a barometer of our evolution. Are we able to stay centered and calm in relative to another's upset? Can we be compassionate without taking on our partners tribulations? Are we able to open and accept fully the love and adoration of our companion? Can we give without any expectation or conditions? Are we able to take responsibility for our own happiness and support our partner's path even if it takes them out of the relationship? That situation would certainly give us an indication of our progress. Forgiveness is ultimately not a factor in this arrangement because on a higher level we know that there is no right or wrong; our soul has arranged conditions that promote our growth and move us closer to our connection to Source. There is no forgiveness since there is no infraction. It is better to observe who we are choosing to be in light of any imagined transgression.

Do I think a relationship based on the purpose of spiritual growth would be all roses and wine? No. I imagine a commitment to a purpose higher than what I can conceive at this time. I imagine loving someone deeper and more intensely than I ever knew possible. I expect that I will shed tears as I face the boundaries of the constructs I have built over the course of my life. There will be times when I am forced to question everything I have ever learned or concluded about who I am. Occasions when I have been pushed way out of my comfort zone, I have grown exponentially. This could not happen in arenas where everything flows smoothly. On the flip side, I know in my heart that this type of communion with another would deliver joy, peace and blessings that would truly be heaven on earth. Is such a union possible? 

I question my term enlightenment because who of us knows what that really looks like? A better concept might be to say a path of growth and evolution based on love and mutual support. I am a seeker. The more I search to find the answers, the more I realize I know nothing. All of the beliefs I have formed, all of my self definitions, all of the paramaters I have set up for my comfort have proved to be false. I am willing to be bare and vulnerable while finding my way. Only by walking across this abyss, without knowing if I will fall, do I have any hope of pushing myself to be more. More of what? I dont know that either, not yet. Faith and Trust.  I  travel on.