Monday, August 19, 2013

Damsel: The Sequel


Yesterday I drove up through Glacier with a male friend of mine. During a rather deep conversation, he said, “You know you are pretty intimidating.” He listed all the things that I do in my job and my new stab at writing. “What are you looking for in a man? What would they need to offer you?” I told him that this was not the first time I had heard this about me. He said, “You don’t see yourself that way, do you?” I said, “No”.

I told him about the Damsel post that I made a few weeks ago. Sometimes I am so tired of doing it all by myself. I did not choose to be so independent and imposing. But upon further examination, have I? I ask myself, how else can a woman take care of herself that is alone? How do you achieve an education, obtain a good job, pay your rent and take care of your house without appearing strong and self-sufficient? I had a boyfriend tell me not long ago, “You do everything for yourself. You don’t need me.” I was under the impression that I was sharing household chores and being an equal partner but it left him feeling emasculated. If I lie around and play the victim, would it make me more desirable? Would I be considered more feminine if I was more needy or clingy?

Several years ago, I was sharing with a female friend a challenge I was having with a woman professor at Cornell. This professor was a temporary supervisor on a project. My friend said, “You know you intimidate other woman.” “What?” “You are capable, take charge, make things happen and men like you. You can make other woman feel inadequate. This professor does not want her assistant showing her up.” That was never my intent. I thought we were a team.

My sister said that I do things that she never could. I disagree. She could figure out how to fix things if she didn’t have her husband. She would have to carry the wood from the basement if it was that or freeze. She could travel alone if there was no choice. She could learn to run the lawn mower and the gas grill. If she had to do these things, she would. This is not rocket science.

When we got to the lake in Glacier my friend easily removed the kayaks from the roof of the SUV. I sighed. I love to watch a man lift things so easily. I’m sure it would have hit the ground with a crash if I had to do it. To a man, it was effortless. It would have taken me an hour to get it back on that vehicle and with a lot of assistance. He did it with ease and grace. I felt totally spoiled by someone carrying the cooler, planning the excursion, providing the boats and being a great conversationalist. Men have unique perspectives. I appreciate their strong character and unusual opinions. Sometimes, we from Venus, feel we need to make men see our point of view when in fact we don’t. We can just listen and learn more about the male psyche.

What am I looking for? I am looking to fully embrace my feminine side. I’d love to have the opportunity to revel in that role. I am looking for a strong man that is sure enough of himself that he does not need me to play small so he can feel less threatened. I can bring all my power and spirit into the relationship and he meets me half way. He is stimulated by my intellect and adds his knowledge to our discussion. I am looking for a man that is consistent and tells me, “I am still here.” He is my rock and my shelter. He provides a roof and a sturdy arm. I can be the Damsel and he can be the bug slayer. At times I am the nurturer and at others he delivers the comfort and physical touch. I welcome turning over half of the household duties. I will shower him with affection and home cooked meals in trade for garbage and lawn detail. I have had to be the man and the woman in my house for a very long time. I am so done with this. I have worked in a male dominated field all my life and have done my best to keep up. I am ready to set aside my boots for a pair of heels any day.

I can be intimidating to some people, I will own this. I do acknowledge that it is also the way that some people choose to see me. I am being me. I am driven and I have a vision. I don't whine, I don't nag, I don't make idle chit chat. I am direct and honest. I am not going to give away a part of me so that someone else feels more secure in their position. I allow those around me total freedom to be who they are choosing to be. Following a path, trusting and being firm in my faith may be interpreted as being intimidating. If so, I am ok with that. I can only choose my thoughts, no one else’s. I welcome the Damsel. She is just another side of me.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Return


Even though it is still August, the air was crisp like an autumn morning today. Droplets of dew hung heavily on the long grasses and glistened as the early rays of sun peeked over the back hill. It was the first morning in ages I was able to settle into my camp chair without the harassment of wasps. On cold mornings, this is the place I choose to drink in the first dose of warmth. My feet find the prefect ottoman on the concrete wall and coffee slides down sensuously. This is the time of day I feel closest to my Creator, my Source. As the day makes its debut, I am filled with gratitude and a sense of peace. I am intoxicated by the sun rises over the Atlantic, swept away by the colors of the early morning over the Kalahari and I anticipate the grandeur of watching the sunrise over the Glacier peaks. The cabin sits in a canyon and I do not observe the sun until it is fairly high in the sky but the pleasure is still palpable.

As I say my morning prayers, I am filled with love and appreciation for the people that come in and out of my life. I see how each interaction has added to the tapestry of my life with its own unique color and texture. "God has sent us only angels." Conversations with God, Neale Donald Walsh. I let the images of people, places and situations percolate through my being and gave thanks to their contributions for assisting me in developing into the person that am today. My awareness dove into my heart center; I felt a finger of light and love reach out from my heart to all of those I have cherished, both past and present. Compassion, healing, understanding and deep affection poured from my center to theirs.

What came to me is that "freedom is the highest expression of love". That made sense, no judgements, no boundaries, no needing to meet someone else's needs. Ok. So, I am sitting feeling content that I have come to a place where I have emotionally set all these people free. I have sent them love and light and come to a feeling of peace. Then, I think of the Return. Wouldn't absolute freedom and therefore the highest form of love include the allowing of reconnection with the same love and light?

A friend of mine posed a thought provoking question. He asked, "do you think it is spiritual to allow your partner total freedom in the relationship even if it means spending time with another?" Wow. My conditioning tells me one answer but my being knows the reality. We are love. That is all we are, it is all we can ever be. Anything that stands in the way of knowing that truth is fear based on conditioning and outdated belief systems. Recognizing that all the people that I have interacted with are pure love, some are simply more in alignment with their knowing of this fact, allows me a new perspective. Marriages disintegrate, friendships crumble, families disown each other - because they are unwilling to allow the return. Blame, shame and guilt is heaped on one party or both and there is no compassion. The story of the prodigal son in the Bible has more meaning to me in this light.

What if one of the people that I have "set free" came back and stood on my porch asking to renew our connection? Would I be able to see past the old story to accept them as the loving being that they are? Would I remember the mirror that they were for me and how they helped me along my path? Would I recognize the gifts that they provided at just the time I required them? It comes back to self knowledge. It comes back to seeing our roles in a new light. There is no forgiveness when we realize that these individuals all came to us for our growth. The pain, the hurt, the conflict was all an illusion we created to demonstrate where we still needed work.

Allowing the return does not mean opening up ourselves to abuse, or sexual coercion or struggle. I feel it as absolute acceptance of the God inside the other. It is the laying down of barriers, weapons and walls in order to see their Divinity. I trust myself and love myself enough to know that I will make choices that are for my highest good in this new dynamic. There are many wonderful people that have come and gone from my life. Their presence was a blessing even if I did not always see their contribution at the time. I have learned so much from them. I have been on both sides of this equation. I have attempted to reconnect friendships and been turned away. I have also been afraid to allow another's return in fear of a repeat of old patterns. When I declined, I see it is me again I didn't trust to design new parameters. By holding onto the past, I have been shooting the messenger for the awareness that they brought. Those lessons can be painful if resisted. I now realize I can open my heart and create unlimited possibilities of interaction. People who push me away do not wish to hear the message that I bring or uncover the wounds they have hidden from themselves. I cannot possibly know what my role is in their lives just as I am not fully conscious of theirs in mine. It is not personal. When there is a lesson they are requiring, if I don't bring it, the next person will. Have no doubt. The same situations will keep appearing with different faces until we finally see. This is the "pie in the face place".

Letting someone go in love and light is noble, but allowing them to return to share in our love and friendship takes it a whole step beyond. This takes the expression "freedom is the highest form of love" to a higher level and acknowledges the God within all of us. For me, the answer to my friend's question is, "absolutely". To love your partner or a friend enough, to feel secure enough in your own being, to trust yourself completely and to give them their freedom to come and go is an enlightened, spiritual individual. This is my work in progress.

I just heard the call of the red tailed hawk and went outside to find him sitting in the tree next to my house. He was telling me to get outside on such a gorgeous day and stop wasting daylight. There will be more time to contemplate. Cherries are ripe on the trees and ready for harvest!

Friday, August 2, 2013

Reflection


It is a rainy summer night.The Earth is drinking in the long awaited moisture. I can almost hear the trees breathing a sigh of relief and see them flexing their limbs. The hummingbirds dart under the porch roof to sip at the feeders before night falls. I pull my fleecy sweatshirt closer to my chin and feel the cool, damp air kiss my face. I let this week float through my mind and allow the wisdom to rise to the top.

I am aware that relationships are an opportunity for measuring how far we have journeyed along our spiritual path. We cannot know ourselves in a void. Often it is a way of acknowledging who we are not, as much as who we are choosing to be. Relationship can be with a co-worker, a friend, a child or a parent. Bringing another person into our space allows us to have a mirror of our internal process. I have read many times, "if there is something about another person that you don't like, look inside yourself and find it there." I did not find that useful. If I saw or read about someone who stole, or cheated or lied, I would say, "not me. I don't do that." Lately, I have been looking deeper. It's not the action, it's the fear or emotion behind the action. I may not make racist remarks but do I harbor judgement? I may not outwardly criticize but am I afraid that I am not good enough? If I feel a charge, then I know I must look at my reflection.

My cabin affords me the luxury of letting very few people into my space. I have chosen not to have radio, television or newspaper. This place has been my monastery of isolation to propel my inner exploration. When someone enters my life, it is because they have something to teach me. I am aware enough to realize I must watch and listen. When someone acts from a place of fear by withdrawing, or creating conflict or needing to create outcomes, I must look deep inside myself. My actions may not be the same but this person is here to show me something I have asked to see. I have to be especially careful when I want to find fault or blame the other, they are my mirror.

Some authors will refer to old, emotional wounds as stuck emotions or thorns or hot buttons. It is an inescapable part of life to carry at least a few. I remember getting very defensive about a letter I wrote to an academic administrator. I was not criticized for the content, but for not passing the letter through the proper chain of command. I was upset because I thought he was attempting to "put me in my place." What took me awhile to see was that I was not feeling worthy of respect; I was not coming from a place of empowerment; I was doubting my own ideas. It was me putting me in my place.

In the same vein, when a partner has left the relationship, I have been forced to look at my own feelings surrounding the situation. Instead of pointing a finger at their fear of commitment, I see my own. I am so positive I am ready and yet my mirror shows me that I am afraid of losing my freedom. My intellect would certainly deny this accusation. My outside reality reflects my inner truth. I had not come to fully trust myself to balance commitment with independence. I think that I am afraid the other person will take control when in fact it has been me that does not trust me to not give up my power. The other is simply being my mirror reflecting back what I need to see.

When I see the things I love about another person - like generosity, kindness, a gentle spirit - I also know that these are the things I can see in myself. It has been a bumpy road to get to this place of Self love. I cannot expect to truly love another until I can accept all of me. I see the places that still need work and I see the places that really shine. I am a work in progress. Several years ago, my oldest said, "Mom, I think you are looking for a male version of you." I thought that was so funny when only a short time before I had been looking for all the things I thought I wasn't. It took much of my life to come to a space of appreciation about the person that I am. When the time is right I will once again ask to have a relationship teach me more. The other will reflect who I am. Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

August Issue

August issue of Montana Woman magazine hit the stands today! Here's a story from my Ithaca days. It wasn't all partying. There was much studying and contemplation, really.