Thursday, February 26, 2015

The Depth of Winter

I went to a meeting last night and an acquaintance said to me, “Why haven’t I seen your writings in the magazine or on your blog?” I realize my pen has gone still.

I think back to December. I lost two of my best friends in one week, one to death, the other to distance. I’ve spent the dark of winter in reflection and contemplation. A forty day journaling exercise found me uncovering buried beliefs that had been hidden since childhood. Questions flooded my mind pertaining to reality and illusions. With the loss of three confidants in one year, I faced my fear of abandonment and stared down the nose of my need for approval. Digging at the roots of these limitations has allowed me to remove much of the foliage that has tangled my steps forward. Who am I without their support and nurturing? Where am I going without their guidance? What is my role in the world if not to tend to those around me?

All of this uncovering and peeling away has left me a bit raw and tender. My heart is fragile in its openness. The light is burning its way into my soul to fill me with a new sense of purpose and direction. I am swimming in the void and am not sure which way is up. My instinct is to swim as hard as I can to reach a shore and yet, I realize it is the time to surrender and float. The winter is still upon me and the spring will awaken my senses. I must have faith that all is in perfect order and of myself I can do nothing.

I am reminded every day to stop trying to push doors open and wait for Divine Timing. Life is. I Am. These are the only things I can know for certain. Energies run high and yet I remain unmoved. My pen is still, but it will flow once more. Spring is just around the corner.

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