Damsel: The Sequel

Yesterday I drove up through Glacier with a male friend of mine. During a rather deep conversation, he said, “You know you are pretty intimidating.” He listed all the things that I do in my job and my new stab at writing. “What are you looking for in a man? What would they need to offer you?” I told him that this was not the first time I had heard this about me. He said, “You don’t see yourself that way, do you?” I said, “No”.

I told him about the Damsel post that I made a few weeks ago. Sometimes I am so tired of doing it all by myself. I did not choose to be so independent and imposing. But upon further examination, have I? I ask myself, how else can a woman take care of herself that is alone? How do you achieve an education, obtain a good job, pay your rent and take care of your house without appearing strong and self-sufficient? I had a boyfriend tell me not long ago, “You do everything for yourself. You don’t need me.” I was under the impression that I was sharing household chores and being an equal partner but it left him feeling emasculated. If I lie around and play the victim, would it make me more desirable? Would I be considered more feminine if I was more needy or clingy?

Several years ago, I was sharing with a female friend a challenge I was having with a woman professor at Cornell. This professor was a temporary supervisor on a project. My friend said, “You know you intimidate other woman.” “What?” “You are capable, take charge, make things happen and men like you. You can make other woman feel inadequate. This professor does not want her assistant showing her up.” That was never my intent. I thought we were a team.

My sister said that I do things that she never could. I disagree. She could figure out how to fix things if she didn’t have her husband. She would have to carry the wood from the basement if it was that or freeze. She could travel alone if there was no choice. She could learn to run the lawn mower and the gas grill. If she had to do these things, she would. This is not rocket science.

When we got to the lake in Glacier my friend easily removed the kayaks from the roof of the SUV. I sighed. I love to watch a man lift things so easily. I’m sure it would have hit the ground with a crash if I had to do it. To a man, it was effortless. It would have taken me an hour to get it back on that vehicle and with a lot of assistance. He did it with ease and grace. I felt totally spoiled by someone carrying the cooler, planning the excursion, providing the boats and being a great conversationalist. Men have unique perspectives. I appreciate their strong character and unusual opinions. Sometimes, we from Venus, feel we need to make men see our point of view when in fact we don’t. We can just listen and learn more about the male psyche.

What am I looking for? I am looking to fully embrace my feminine side. I’d love to have the opportunity to revel in that role. I am looking for a strong man that is sure enough of himself that he does not need me to play small so he can feel less threatened. I can bring all my power and spirit into the relationship and he meets me half way. He is stimulated by my intellect and adds his knowledge to our discussion. I am looking for a man that is consistent and tells me, “I am still here.” He is my rock and my shelter. He provides a roof and a sturdy arm. I can be the Damsel and he can be the bug slayer. At times I am the nurturer and at others he delivers the comfort and physical touch. I welcome turning over half of the household duties. I will shower him with affection and home cooked meals in trade for garbage and lawn detail. I have had to be the man and the woman in my house for a very long time. I am so done with this. I have worked in a male dominated field all my life and have done my best to keep up. I am ready to set aside my boots for a pair of heels any day.

I can be intimidating to some people, I will own this. I do acknowledge that it is also the way that some people choose to see me. I am being me. I am driven and I have a vision. I don't whine, I don't nag, I don't make idle chit chat. I am direct and honest. I am not going to give away a part of me so that someone else feels more secure in their position. I allow those around me total freedom to be who they are choosing to be. Following a path, trusting and being firm in my faith may be interpreted as being intimidating. If so, I am ok with that. I can only choose my thoughts, no one else’s. I welcome the Damsel. She is just another side of me.

Damsel

The war on the hornets continues. I have killed hundreds of them, gone through seven canisters of bee spray and called in the cavalry - my landlord - to take down the nests up in the second floor eaves. The battle has raged on for 3 days now. Bald faced hornets had built a nest behind some shingles in the upper rear wall of the cabin. A portion of the siding was disassembled to get them out. Yellow jackets had built nests in the crevices of the main support logs in the sidewalls. Bee spray, ant spray, starting fluid, long handled screw drivers, hammers, caulk guns - all instruments of mass destruction employed against the enemy.

All day I have been engaging in tracking down and killing hornets that have crept around the window casings to find their way into the house. I was folding laundry when I saw the head of a hornet peek through a tiny crack. It was like a sci-fy movie to see these tiny antennae peering out as he struggled to get his plump body through the opening. With one swoosh of the fly swatter, he was decapitated but then more ventured forth. It was like Alfred Hitchock's The Birds film. I bought some silicon caulk in a tube and pushed it into the cracks around my window. When that was not enough, I used some old beeswax lip balm to fill the remaining cracks. The romance of the old cabin met its end today.

Taking on these wasps, bees and hornets has taken its toll. I am so reminded of my limitations. I am tired. I wish at these times to be the Damsel in Distress and be rescued by the Prince. The Prince comes and slays the dragon for her or at least the bees and an occasional spider in the bathroom. My soul is weary. It has been a long time since there was someone to help carry the groceries, mow the lawn, take out the trash and rid the basement of anything crawly. I can do it and am very self sufficient. I have a reputation of being strong and independent. This is my exterior coating. It has been making the best of a situation and not by choice. There is a reason why I sleep with a german shepherd, a shot gun and bear spray by my bed. I must protect and provide for myself. One cannot wallow and wait to be rescued. I would have long ago starved to death if I had refused to move forward.

It is not my desire to take a stand on the roles of men and women in relationship and yet I do think that inherently we each have certain strengths. Men are traditionally providers and protectors. I know, for me, I sleep soundly when there is a man who can keep the things that go bump in the night at bay. I could not close my eyes if I did not know that Aries watches over me and warns me if there is reason. I struggle carrying wood pellets from the basement and it is so easy for a man. Sure, I do it everyday but it is more difficult each year. As a woman, I am a nurturer and caretaker. I am a homemaker and keeper of traditions. I am a love maker and a fire keeper. I am a communicator and partnership builder. Many people may have opposing views on these roles for themselves. There is no right or wrong combination.

Acknowledging my weaknesses and vulnerabilities is not a problem. Addressing them is. None of us can manifest a partner out of thin air. I continually recognize all the things that men are more capable of handling than me. I have no issue with this. It does not make me feel less empowered or less equal. I know my value and my assets. I would gladly turn the hornets over to a Prince. I'm sure I could find some way to repay his kindness.