Damsel: The Sequel

Yesterday I drove up through Glacier with a male friend of mine. During a rather deep conversation, he said, “You know you are pretty intimidating.” He listed all the things that I do in my job and my new stab at writing. “What are you looking for in a man? What would they need to offer you?” I told him that this was not the first time I had heard this about me. He said, “You don’t see yourself that way, do you?” I said, “No”.

I told him about the Damsel post that I made a few weeks ago. Sometimes I am so tired of doing it all by myself. I did not choose to be so independent and imposing. But upon further examination, have I? I ask myself, how else can a woman take care of herself that is alone? How do you achieve an education, obtain a good job, pay your rent and take care of your house without appearing strong and self-sufficient? I had a boyfriend tell me not long ago, “You do everything for yourself. You don’t need me.” I was under the impression that I was sharing household chores and being an equal partner but it left him feeling emasculated. If I lie around and play the victim, would it make me more desirable? Would I be considered more feminine if I was more needy or clingy?

Several years ago, I was sharing with a female friend a challenge I was having with a woman professor at Cornell. This professor was a temporary supervisor on a project. My friend said, “You know you intimidate other woman.” “What?” “You are capable, take charge, make things happen and men like you. You can make other woman feel inadequate. This professor does not want her assistant showing her up.” That was never my intent. I thought we were a team.

My sister said that I do things that she never could. I disagree. She could figure out how to fix things if she didn’t have her husband. She would have to carry the wood from the basement if it was that or freeze. She could travel alone if there was no choice. She could learn to run the lawn mower and the gas grill. If she had to do these things, she would. This is not rocket science.

When we got to the lake in Glacier my friend easily removed the kayaks from the roof of the SUV. I sighed. I love to watch a man lift things so easily. I’m sure it would have hit the ground with a crash if I had to do it. To a man, it was effortless. It would have taken me an hour to get it back on that vehicle and with a lot of assistance. He did it with ease and grace. I felt totally spoiled by someone carrying the cooler, planning the excursion, providing the boats and being a great conversationalist. Men have unique perspectives. I appreciate their strong character and unusual opinions. Sometimes, we from Venus, feel we need to make men see our point of view when in fact we don’t. We can just listen and learn more about the male psyche.

What am I looking for? I am looking to fully embrace my feminine side. I’d love to have the opportunity to revel in that role. I am looking for a strong man that is sure enough of himself that he does not need me to play small so he can feel less threatened. I can bring all my power and spirit into the relationship and he meets me half way. He is stimulated by my intellect and adds his knowledge to our discussion. I am looking for a man that is consistent and tells me, “I am still here.” He is my rock and my shelter. He provides a roof and a sturdy arm. I can be the Damsel and he can be the bug slayer. At times I am the nurturer and at others he delivers the comfort and physical touch. I welcome turning over half of the household duties. I will shower him with affection and home cooked meals in trade for garbage and lawn detail. I have had to be the man and the woman in my house for a very long time. I am so done with this. I have worked in a male dominated field all my life and have done my best to keep up. I am ready to set aside my boots for a pair of heels any day.

I can be intimidating to some people, I will own this. I do acknowledge that it is also the way that some people choose to see me. I am being me. I am driven and I have a vision. I don't whine, I don't nag, I don't make idle chit chat. I am direct and honest. I am not going to give away a part of me so that someone else feels more secure in their position. I allow those around me total freedom to be who they are choosing to be. Following a path, trusting and being firm in my faith may be interpreted as being intimidating. If so, I am ok with that. I can only choose my thoughts, no one else’s. I welcome the Damsel. She is just another side of me.