My Do It Yourself Project

I have been working on a project for most of my adult life. There have been moments of discouragement when I think I will never see the final result. Each year I get older and each year I see how much more needs remodeling. Maybe, I should just plug in the television and drink a beer. Then there are times when the progress is noticeable, and I give thanks for the hours invested. I’ve spent decades peeling away the layers, sanding off rough corners and sewing the fabric that was torn. I’ve returned the pieces that were not mine to their rightful owners and restored the treasures that had been lost or stolen. Defensive walls have been removed brick by brick; boundary lines have been set stone by stone. Plans have been drawn and modified. Ideas have been revised and discarded. Locations have changed. The challenge has been to sort out what is rubbish and should be tossed, and what is truth and should be saved. The physical exterior has deteriorated slightly but the interior is polishing up quite nicely.

As any do-it-yourselfer knows, there is a plethora of opinions out there on any subject. I consult with experts. I read books, watch You Tube videos, attend conferences, listen to eminent speakers and gather with like-minded students. But, it is ultimately up to me to get the work done. I am my project.

I cannot hire a contractor to complete this self-improvement task. I wish I could employ someone else to run on the tread mill when I am feeling tired, but the results would be disappointing. I could sit in a chair and read about exercise but the desired effects would allude me. I must do it myself. No one else can sweat for me. After a 20 year sabbatical, I am practicing karate. There is no short cut to remembering the forms or strengthening my muscles. It’s going to take effort and focus to reap the benefits. I am helping myself by watching videos and practicing in between classes at the gym. It’s up to me to commit the time to hone my skill. The same goes for my horseback riding with Lakota. I cannot improve my proficiency with her if I do not get on. It’s up to me to establish the body language and cues that allow us to communicate. 

I have chosen a spiritual path. My intent is to learn how to discern between the egoic mind, which is forever playing in my head, and the Divine Spirit that moves through me. My Creator has a heck of a time getting through to me when there is an endless dialogue of old conditioning blocking my guidance system. I challenged myself to 100 days of one hour meditations. In the stillness, I am allowing old fears, triggers, parental accusations and limitations to rise to the surface and be healed. I know when it is my mind bubbling forth when I can watch the thought and label it “past” or “future”. The Divine speaks to me in the moment, in the “holy instant.” My Spirit is calm and steady; it has no needs or wants. It is love, flowing in and out. Worry, fear, and anxiety are only the mind. I get to this place of awareness by doing the work. I cannot hire an expert or drop off my brain for dissection while I go to the office. If it was possible, it would be worth taking out a loan for this job. Sitting with my heart and mind for countless hours is committing to the project. I have to do this myself. Each session leaves me more peaceful than the previous. Even if I am distracted or feel heavy in my center, I continue because I know my connection to my soul is worth the investment of time. Serenity and spiritual evolution are my goals. There is no race or deadline. I’ll keep at it until I get there. 

Each person and situation that comes to me is a mirror for me to reflect my progress. My outer world reveals my inner being. Judgmental individuals no longer hold power over me; I see the punishment they inflict on themselves. There is nothing that could be done to meet their approval since their mind is continually berating them with criticism. The mind is forever creating separation between people and with Spirit. If we tap into the knowing that is deep down inside of us, we will be reassured and comforted. The static is our societal and familial belief system smacking up against our knowing. Peace is possible once we sort through the clutter and reorganize our inner space. The mind is a useful tool once it has been tamed and is not allowed to run the show. “Be still and know that I am God.” Let your heart guide you. Find the stillness between the thoughts. Rest here. Finding true peace is a do-it-yourself project. Volumes of journals that I have written over my life, track my progress. They are also a recording of how many times I fell off the track. What I can say is that I have somehow found the strength each time to get up and go back to the stripping and painting, the digging and sowing. The love I embody becomes purified and shines brighter after every opportunity for growth, which can - at first glance - look like an obstacle.

There are times when I can hire someone to help me with my project, like getting a good haircut or enjoying a massage. The rest is up to me. I realize I am a fixer-upper. Peace and happiness visit me more and more often in my rehabilitated vessel. I am worth the time I spend. It has taken me a long time to feel this way. Each time someone walks out my door, never to return, I understand that I may have insecurity or a fear that needs healing. Or, it can be that they are not in a place of receiving love at this moment. The other person may feel unworthy or broken in some way. I bless them and thank them. When I am in connection with the Divine, my being burns brightly with an internal fire even in the midst of a cold Montana winter.

Best of luck on all your projects. I will always be a work in progress. I’m going back to my buffing and scouring.