"Okay, I must love it"

I love to read as much as I love to write, which is a lot. Before I go to sleep I always read and a few lines will often linger in my mind and ruminate all night. Gary Douglas wrote in his book Money isn’t the Problem, You Are that all you have to do is look at your life to see what you are creating. If something keeps showing up, it’s because there is something about this situation that you love to create. Gary says to acknowledge what it is by saying, Okay, I must love it, I don’t know why, but okay, I love it. Once you acknowledge that you are creating this, you can change it. I’ve been mulling over this statement for several days now.


Sunday mornings are divine for this type of introspection. No alarm. No schedule. I lie in my flannel sheets, cozy in my bed and through the pale gray of dawn, see the snowflakes float by my window. I squeeze the statement through my filters and let it permeate into the recesses of my psyche. Is this true? Am I truly creating this absence of a partner? This financial restriction? This drafty cabin on a mountainside in Montana? What is it I love about it? Be honest with myself. Let it seep in.

I love my freedom. I love being able to get up, throw on a sweatshirt, stoke up the fire, put on the coffee and write when I am inspired to write. I love to eat what I want, buy what I want and exercise when I want. I am the Queen of my castle. No judgments, no expectations, no distractions. I did not realize I was harboring those feelings. I have recently joined an online dating service. How do I see that playing out? How do I see a man fit into my life? Can we know? Is it possible to plan for all the contingencies? I don’t think so.

In my previous life, up until yesterday….just kidding….men equal control. Men equal boundaries and fencing me in. Men equal having to change myself to meet someone else’s expectations. This showed up in my contemplation this morning. Talk about an Irish Catholic upbringing. Isn’t it amazing what we can dredge up if we really take the time to see what is simmering under the surface? Now what to do with this revelation?

I can have it all. I can love my desire for independence and share my life with the right man. The women in my lineage have martyred themselves to hold the relationship together. That is where I run away screaming. I have done that and it does not suit me. I become a person that I do not know. If I give away my power and my brilliance, I am pathetic. I have a friend who says, “There is nothing worse than a wimpy Aries.”

If we are going to travel down the road of, “what makes us tick?” Why when a relationship breaks up, do we feel we lost something or that the person took something from us? What is that exactly? Is it our time? What else would we have been doing? Is it our love? Do we have a limited amount to share and now there isn’t enough to have for retirement? I am guilty of the same emotions but I am questioning the validity. If we are not the one initiating the end of a relationship, we may feel despair, foolish or humiliated but what did we actually lose? If we lost respect for ourselves, that is our own self judgment. For me, I started down the path of self doubt. I doubted my ability to make correct decisions about people. I didn’t trust that I could avoid that “hit by a truck” feeling again. I had to wake up and see that I am still me. I am still the honest, loving, open person I have always been. I am responsible for my own actions, no one else’s. Just like driving on a country road, we can’t avoid all the pot holes. I have to go back to my own stories like The Red Rabbit and the White Rabbit. I will perpetually be the rabbit that wants out of the cage, even at the peril of getting too close to the road or snagged by a coyote, in order to munch on spring grass and sprint across the meadow.

I am a more multifaceted and grounded person as a result of my relationships. I have grown to have deep affection for myself. I see my role in the exchanges I have had and take responsibility for my actions. Each person I meet adds to my wealth of experiences and my complexity.

I see my archaic beliefs about men and un-create them now. They are no longer welcome here. I trust me and my ability to be in the world. I am never losing anything by being in relationship; I am more.